wake up call

losing a family member was always something that happened to other people.  i've watched those other people go through it.  i've seen how sad it is. i've even contemplated what it would be like.  i believed that if i was the one faced with death, i would be mad.  angry.  depressed.  i thought there was no way you could go through something like that and still keep living a normal life.  i thought that those people who did keep living {a maybe not so normal life anymore, but living, nonetheless} were amazing and strong.  but i never, in a hundred million thousand years thought it would happen to me.  but, it did happen. it happened to me. and it happened to my mom and my dad and my two sweet brothers.  a ridiculous, freak accident took away my brother.  

unannounced. suddenly. with no warning.
i didn't even get to say good-bye.

and i have been mad. and angry. and depressed.  i have kept on a living {a maybe not so normal life, but living, nonetheless}.  and i have felt the amazing strength that comes from friends and family and the comfort that comes from the truth of the gospel.  and now i know how other people got through it.  because you really have no other choice but to keep on keepin' on.

it doesn't change the fact that every morning i wake up and think to myself my little brother is dead.
and then i think about it over and over and try to remember if i was just dreaming, or if he really, truly is gone.

and some mornings i am convinced it was a dream.

until i walk in the kitchen and see his picture on the fridge and a flood of memories come rushing into my mind. and i think about the awful month of march. and how hard every single day was. and i realize it really wasn't a dream.  and now i've recently realized that i have been living in fear ever since that day.  because i used to believe that never, in a hundred million thousand years, would it happen to me.  but it did happen to me.  which makes my biggest fear a reality.  it's not just something that happens to other people anymore.  it's something that can happen to me.

everytime wade leaves for school, i wonder if i will ever see him again.
when miles is sleeping, i wonder if i will find him not breathing when i check on him.
i worry that i will get a phone call telling me my mom has cancer.
or that my dad got hurt at work.
or that my brothers got in a car accident.

i'm aware this is all very depressing.
but on march 5, i feel like i received a wake up call,
from an annoying telemarketer that just keeps on calling.


LL said...

you have such a gift with writing. It's amazing how clear you are able to express your feelings.
This post is the reality of heart break. I'm sorry your family has this unreal pain. THANK YOU though, for sharing your heart with us. So touching!!!

susette said...

Oh Kali dear. I think the same thing EVERY, SINGLE DAY! I just want to wake up one morning and have life be back to normal. I want Porter back in our arms, here in this house, playing his music, laughing with us.

My prayers are so different now, and I worry about each and every one of my family members so much more now too. We have to rely on Heavenly Father's comforter daily, sometimes even hourly to help us handle our aching lives.

But it still is HARD! I'm so glad you will be back in Utah soon and look forward with so much eagerness! Little Miles will be such a great source of love and light here at home. I love you dear and wish I could take away your pain too.

Julianne said...

i feel the way, now, that you felt before the accident. because there's no way anyone who hasn't been through it can comprehend it. but it is one of my biggest fears. but i do know from your blog, and your letters to porter, and when you share your feelings, that i would be able to handle it. slowly of course--and one day at a time. because you are handling it. i think you are a light to more people than you realize.
i love you.

*juli* said...

I love the way you write. I know this isn't the exact same, but 4 years ago my mom was in the ICU twice in a month, and both times they said she wasn't going to make it. Fortunately she did make it, but her life has never been the same ever since. Anyway, my point to that is, it brought my biggest fear of losing my mom into reality. I remember wanting to just talk to her, because she was the one I would talk to whenever anything was going wrong. But I couldn't talk to her, because it was her that was in a coma. It was her I was so worried about. Ever since then, I live in fear. I wake up and look in her room to make sure she's breathing. Every morning. When ever I say goodbye to her, I sob because I am scared it will be the last time I'll see her alive. When I call her and she doesn't answer, I immediately start to panic. When I'm living in Seattle, my stomach drops whenever a family member calls me because I think they're going to tell me something has happened. I constantly thing something is going to happen to her, or any one of my family members. I live in fear. Every single day. I do things out of fear. I have panic attacks. I don't sleep a lot. Anyway, I know it's not the exact same, but I can kind of relate to having a tragic and traumatic event change your life. Love ya girl! I love how you said, "you have no choice but to keep on keepin on." Keep your chin up. You're in my prayers!