project 365

everyone makes lofty new year's goals.
well this one, my friends, is quite lofty.
i am lacking in the photography memory making department.
because i am usually taking the pictures for other people,
i sort of forget to take my own.
and so,
i present to you:

in hopes of forcing me to take my camera out more often,
i will now be posting a picture every day
for a year.
i am scared.


merry christmas

because i am lazy, lacking in postage funds, digitally inclined, here is our christmas card this year. we hope you have a wonderful christmas. we are so grateful to have you for family and friends!

we are so looking forward to this coming year and all it has to offer.
and be excited for a new upcoming project on my blog!

i think i am a bad person.

i laughed at a homeless man.
he came into work, high as a kite.
sat at my table.
smelled up my section.
shouted out profanities.
and said some pretty hilarious things.
oh. and we can't forget.
he rolled a joint.
at my table.

does it make me a bad person that i found the whole situation terribly funny?
even 3 hours later
after he camped out at my section and left me a quarter,
i was still laughing.



is making me a crazy woman.
i feel like such a scatter-brain.
i am losing things, and tripping over things and breaking things left and right.
AND today,
i backed into my own husband's car.
(with my new car.
that i haven't even made a car payment on yet.)
then when i got to work,
i broke a glass,
and a plate.
and dropped a whole thing of ranch down the front of me.
and i wanted to cry.
but i already did that when i wrecked my car.
and so i just laughed at how pathetic my day was.
i have lost my mind.
along with my glasses
(which, fyi, makes me walk around in the morning for 3 hours like a zombie because my eyes hurt too much to put my contacts in when i get up. and my eyes are so bad that i really cannot see my child. so at least 16 times a morning, i find myself saying, "oh miles... where are you?"  it's making me much more in tune with my sense of hearing though...)
but the good news is
we found an apartment
(and maybe when we move, i will be able to organize my life a little better because i won't be living out of boxes anymore)
we are going to disneyland next week with wade's family.
we sort of need a break around here.
(and here's one last sentence in parenthesis, because there haven't been enough yet.)


temple square

we braved the cold and went to see the lights at temple square with our friends jake and erin and their cute little kids.  they have a boy named ben and him and miles are destined to be the best of friends. we are loving being in utah for the christmas season!


scary santa

miles's first encounter with santa.
as you can tell, 
he wasn't quite a fan.

dear porter,

last week
we received a card in the mail.
a thank you card.
from some anonymous person
who received a donation
from you.
a tendon for their knee.
which made it possible for them
to have full use of their leg restored.

it's hard to believe that there is someone
out there
walking around with your tendon
in their knee.
i like knowing that a part of you
is still living,
and functioning...

christmas was supposed to be different this year.
my first christmas home in 3 years.
i was so excited to be with everyone again.
christmas will definitely be different.
but not in the way i hoped.
mom was going through the ads
last sunday
and broke down
at the thought that there would be
no boxers this year.
no white t-shirts.
no music gadgets.
that we would never be buying you
another christmas gift.

and while i was picking out t-shirts
for cooper and jordan,
i didn't even have to double check myself.
i automatically knew i needed to buy 2.
not 3.
and usually i have to remind myself
that 3 is one too many.
but this time,
it was normal.
without a thought.
which, i think means,
i'm getting used to the idea
that you really are gone.
and i don't like it.

everyone told us that time would heal us.
make it easier.
make us feel better.
but i beg to differ.
we aren't healed.
we don't feel better.
there is a lingering sadness
that follows us everywhere we go
all day.
time isn't healing us.
it's just teaching us how to wake
up every single day and
keep moving.
the pain is still there.
we are just getting better at dealing with it.

i miss you little brother.
merry christmas.


miles attacks the keyboard

i have introduced my child to online gaming,
courtesy of fisher-price.
his favorite is rainforest peekaboo.
all he has to do it push a button.
any button.
and he is in love.
the only problem is,
he is now a crazy person around the computer.
and thinks it's okay to pound the keyboard at any given time.
if you want to teach your child this skill,
go here:
(although i don't recommend this if you care very very much about your keyboard)

i've been so busy.
work has consumed me.
i've been so busy, in fact,
that yesterday i just realized i have only been shaving one armpit.

and so today,
i have a break.
and i am so very tired.
so miles and i are staying in our pajamas all day.
and i don't mind if he wants to attack the keyboard
because i sure as heck am not much entertainment.


the desert

i'm down in arizona at a photography workshop for the weekend.

i stopped in st. george for a sleepover with the one and only viva
and we went to dinner at texas roadhouse,
followed by the classic run to walmart for an assortment of random items
including an air freshener for my new car. (yes!)
we picked smooth amber.
and quickly learned that it smelled quite awful.
awful, as in, horrible, cheap, rancid after shave.
then we went to maverik to get a new air freshener
to cover up the horrible smell and get a redbox (toy story 3. melt my heart)
while we sat in the car, assembling my new air freshener (hey, it was high tech, people)
a james franco look-a-like came up to the redbox in front of our car.
and i dared viva to give him the horrible, cheap, rancid after shave.
i mean, air freshener.
and she did.
and if things go my way, they will be engaged in six months.

then i drove through las vegas,
where a stop at h&m was a must.
and i wanted to buy the whole store,
but i also wanted my husband to be happy to see me when i go home.
so i settled for a 3 dollar headband and a 5 dollar pair of earrings
and went on my merry way,
until i was stopped by old navy and forced inside by the baby shoes.
these ones, to be exact:

then i made a stop at the hoover dam.
and basically the only reason i did that was because
of the movie madagascar.
and remember the penguins when they say,
"hoover dam! we're still in new york!"?
and also, i wasn't in a huge hurry to spend the entire day driving.
so i took my sweet time.
and it was cool.

and now i am spending 2 days cramming my brain full of photo info.
and it might explode.
k bye.

p.s. there are just wild pig things running around the neighborhoods here.
and i find it weird.
and i can't decide if i would rather have creepy crawly centipedes
or pigs.


drum roll please....

i'm so excited about this, i can barely contain myself.
i've been working on in it for months...
and it's not quite finished.
but i present to you:


dear porter,

"if only i don't
bend and break,
i'll meet you on the other side.
i'll meet you in the light."

love you.




my little baby is not so little anymore.
today is his first birthday.
he's all grown up and it makes me a little sad.
but i'm also excited because he is getting more fun every day!

happy birthday miles!

we had a big bash over the weekend.
and miles got to eat his very own cake.
pictures coming soon!

music on a monday


diary of a mad waitress

before i even start, i would just like to say:
i am not a bad waitress.
i don't mean to be arrogant.
i've just been doing this for almost 7 years.
and i would like to think that i sort of know what i'm doing by now.
i would also like to think that most people are generally good people inside.
but for some reason,
that completely changes when they dealing with us waitresses,
who are so lowly and scummy that they don't deserve to be treated with respect.
and it has made me lose my "general good people" feeling and start to have a
"general hate all people" feeling.
i more often than not, leave work thinking, "really?? did that REALLY just happen??"
(not all days... there are definitely good people out there, like the ones that leave $20 because they are just that nice.)
tonight, i had the pleasure of serving 2 young couples.
they ordered all you can eat wings.
the policy is no sharing, no take out boxes.
its all you can eat.
you don't go to chuck-a-rama and take everything home in box.
well, they asked for a box anyway, and i told them no.
its the rules.
its my job.
and apparently it makes me mean.
well they were mad.
they argued.
and 3 minutes later i saw them rolling up their extra wings in a napkin.
and putting them in their pocket. seriously?
never mind that its a little gross....
but seriously?
i don't have to even tell you that they didn't tip me.
oh and then on the way out, one declared that he was calling the "capital of winger's"
as if winger's was a country.
yes, you do that.

a table of 8 girls,
before i can even say hi,
one starts yelling at me about how she asked 4 times for a highchair and didn't get it.
well i'm not the host, i know nothing about this, but sure i'll get one.
and then another one because you don't like that one.
and then a kids menu and crayons for your child thats too small to even know how to color.
or eat regular food for that matter.
and then when i asked them what they wanted to drink, i was ignored.
and then when i asked them what they wanted to order,
i was ignored.
one girl looked up and rolled her eyes,
and then went back to her conversation.
i was ignored 3 times.
it took them 30 minutes to order.
and then they complain about how long it took to get their food?
well, lets see, i think thats because you sat there forever,
caught up in your ridiculous gossip that you forgot to even notice i was standing there.
and then you have to nerve to write on the tip line of your credit card:
" $0.00 be a better and nicer waitress!!"
but you be a better and nicer person first.

my job is the best.


the pumpkin patch

there is a pumpkin patch in vineyard.
yes that is a city. i think?
i used to go here every year when i was little.
and sometimes my elementary school would go on fieldtrips.
it was so fun to take my husband and baby.
and to make up for my lack of pictures lately-
here are a ka-jillion of miles.
he's growing so much!
he will be 1 in a week!
and we are going to celebrate like crazy!
and i know he won't remember,
but let's be honest,
we are actually just celebrating that we made it through one year with a child.
ha. jk. sort of.

p.s. dear jared and susan,
do those shoes on miles's feet look familiar?
thats because i stole them.
well technically, 
i didn't steal them, 
because i didn't know i still had them.
i found them in the bottom of a box.
(don't worry-
not next to the dead mouse i recently found.) 
i will be mailing them back to you
but only after miles outgrows them.
because they are just too darn cute.
ok? thanks!


hello long lost friend.

(please tell me this picture makes you laugh.
and then be jealous that he is mine.)

my friend whitney told me that every time she reads my blog lately, she feels like i hate my life.
i should probably make it known that this is not true.
i have a great family and the cutest little baby (does he still count as a baby?) and the best husband on the planet.
but hello! you don't want me to start sounding like this person do you? (in case you're out of the loop...it's not real. but oh, so very very funny, seeing as i ACTUALLY know people like that.)
anyway, i'm happy. content.
and frying my brains out.
photography has become my obsession. i spend every spare moment researching printers and web designers and taking classes and going to workshops and i have a goal to have everything up and running by christmas! i'm so excited that i finally get to put more effort into what i love doing most!  which means.... i will hopefully get to quit my HORRIBLE job sometime in the near future.  and i'm not going to even mention where it is because it's too embarrassing (but it starts with a 'wing' and ends with an 'ers' and i've worked there off and on since i was 16 and people think it's okay to tip .48 cents and you might think i'm kidding but it happens no less than 3 times a shift.)

our week will be filled with my best friend's wedding, my birthday (woohoo! the big 24), a trip to blanding/moab without the baby (ahh...first time ever. i don't know if i can bear it.) catching up on f.r.i.e.n.d.s (season 6) and grey's anatomy (season 1)...i truly am THAT far behind... and hopefully some blog posts dated clear back to may. yes, may. its about time i tell the story of how i lost my little brother in the big apple.


are you confused?

don't worry.
so am i.
if you read my last post (which has been deleted, thank you very much)
you can go ahead and pretend i never wrote it.
things got too complicated.
people got confused.
i just can't juggle all the blogs, and the emails, and the facebook pages.
so its back to my regular old name:
carry on.

p.s. if you are also wondering why i never made my blog private...
well did you know blogger only allows 100 emails?
so while i decide what to do about this predicament, my blog will continue to be a free for all.

one more thing.
in case you are getting really annoyed,
a REAL blog post is coming soon.
and by soon, i probably mean in like a month.


can i be frank?

you're invited to a pity party.
my pity party.
and really, i don't want your pity. 
just your permission to whine.
also, why am i asking permission?
today, miles threw up.
the first two, i somehow dodged.
then he got wade.
and then he got me.
once it went down my shirt.
that felt awesome.
then i showered.
and he got me again.
and then wade.
and we started a competition to see who got hit the most.
i think we tied with an even 4 each.
and my poor little baby hasn't eaten anything since this morning.
it breaks my heart.
it breaks my heart even more that we paid for an instacare visit when our insurance starts in, yes, 4 DAYS.

now onto me being frank.
i feel that this is probably too personal for my liking.
yes, too personal. as if all my stories about me being allergic to my husband and throw up going down my shirt aren't personal enough. only its a different kind of personal. the kind of personal where i tell you why sometimes i hate myself. that some days i say to myself, "what on earth am i even doing with my life." which is, of course, related to all things in my life. and then there's the times where i am editing 17,000 pictures on my computer and i think to myself, "really? am i doing this because i love it?" and most of the time, i do love it. but there are times when i just want to throw my camera out the window and publicly declare that i have banned all forms of photography, personal and professional from my life, because try as i might, i just can't get where i want to be with it. and i take classes and i study my brain out, and how many possible ways can there really be to properly expose a picture? and then i start comparing myself to everyone else and it becomes not fun anymore. sometimes, i feel like there is some hidden trick that everyone is hiding from me. and then my precious husband, who doesn't even know the difference between aperture and shutter speed (bless his heart) tries to tell me i'm being too hard on myself. and while we are talking about things that get me down, you should also know that i am no good at public speaking. i hate large groups. i avoid social gatherings like the plague.  in fact, get me in a group with more than three people and i will probably shut down. which surprises some people because i can honestly say that i am shy and they laugh in my face. but guess what. I AM SHY. and very self conscious. and if you say something to me that could even remotely be close to an insult, i will probably worry about it for nights on end before i fall asleep, (which is another reason for me to say bless wade's heart.) oh, and that brings up another point. i worry. non-stop. i drive my own self crazy sometimes. and instead of doing something about it, i just do nothing. which causes me to procrastinate, which causes my days to be stressful, and my nights to be long and sleepless and my mornings to be, well, horrible. which thank goodness that my mom likes to take my baby for walks. and then i add to the list of things to worry about: #305497 my baby will like my mom more than me. 

now that i've exposed my soul, who wants to join my pity party?
only please, no more than 3 people are allowed at once.


my grandma and grandpa are celebrating their 50th anniversary tonight.
they asked me to make a slideshow for their big shin-dig.
this is the song they wanted. {you're my best friend, by don williams}
and when i showed them the finished product, they both cried.
i hope i'm this in love when i get old. :)

this weekend, after the party, of course, we are taking a quick trip logan for a photo class (woohoo!)
and then straight back down for a wedding tomorrow night, shot by yours truly.
also. i'm just happy that i will get to be in wade's presence in the daylight hours longer than 30 minutes.
we are both grateful to have jobs...
just wish there was more time in the day.

happy weekend!



brigham city and logan!
i'm coming up there for photo sessions on oct. 2nd.
i only have a few more slots open.
let me know if you want one!


the time has come.

we are going private.
i hate to do this. i know it's sort of a pain.
if you would like to keep reading my blog, please send me your email addresses.
either in a comment or to my email kaliandwade @ gmail . com 


dear porter,

you were born on this day,
nineteen years ago.
it was friday the 13th.
mom said there was a bat loose in the hospital's hallway.
if i were superstitious,
i would say that was a bad sign of things to come.
but i'm not superstitious.
so it's just funny.
we used to tease you for being born on such a creepy day.

i spent the morning looking at pictures of you.
it is so very strange to see you staring back at me
and looking so very alive.
and every single picture i have to remind myself that you aren't here anymore.
and i wonder when it's going to feel real.
because 6 months seems like a long time for something to settle in
and make itself cozy in my mind.

this is your first birthday without you here.
we wanted to make it special.
so we sort of just celebrated all weekend.
we hiked up to your mountain on saturday.
we all ate breakfast burritos in the parking lot
before we headed up the trail.
cooper carried a rock that says
"in loving memory of porter
'somewhere only we know'"
of course, referring to keane.
we put it at the base of the cliff.
and then at the top we all talked about you.
funny memories and stories.
you were quite the character.

ask for the future played a concert in our backyard.
in your honor.
it was the first time i got to see them play.
it was also the last.
they aren't playing together anymore.
i wish so badly that i had gotten to see you in a show.
but this was almost just as good.
sam squared played your bass.
and i couldn't really look at him without crying.
they are all such nice guys.
you had such genuine people in your life.
probably because you were so genuine yourself.
they wrote a song for you.
and they started it by singing a keane song.
and i hope you got to be here.

oh and we all wrote you love letters on balloons
and sent them up to heaven.
i hope they made it.

i'm really glad we got to stop and remember you again.
because sometimes i think we are just expected to carry on like normal.
and so we do.
only it's a new kind of "normal"
a "normal" where every day feels like something is missing.
but if it were really up to us,
we would celebrate you like this every weekend.
but the neighbors might start to wonder what was wrong with us.

in the words of your friend tyler,
"happy birthday porter. this day is still yours."
this day truly will always be yours.
sometimes i miss you so much it hurts.

love you.


labor day weekend

perfect weather
dutch oven cooking
a wedding shoot
megan and 2 week old jack
halloween jammies
pretty sunsets
the smell of cut hay

a lovely weekend.
hello autumn.


(holga. rockport, ma)

i feel like someone took everything i own, messed it all around, threw it in some boxes and shoved it in my parent's garage. 
someone did.
and it still hasn't been unpacked. why? because we don't know how long we are staying at my parent's. and so it seems silly to unpack.  and so every day, i venture into the garage, looking for some random item that i happen to need, only it's nowhere to be found, because surprise, we weren't exactly organized when we packed up all our stuff.  in fact, i think we were so excited to get out of the apartment, that we just grabbed everything in sight and stuffed it into a truck. and if i recall, i think i may have said something to the effect of, "good riddance, apartment."
and it's okay if you're starting to think i'm bipolar, because really i might be. someday's i love boston, and other days i walk outside and see those glorious mountains towering over me and i take a deep breath and it doesn't smell like garbage and i hate it all over again.  so yes. i will be bipolar and you can just get over it or stop reading my blog because probably every other post will go like this:
i hate boston.
oh wait, today...
i miss boston.
and really, nothing else goes on in my head except that, and work, and photography sessions, and stopping miles from falling down the stairs, or eating the door stops off the back of the door, or crunching ritz crackers and throwing them all over the floor. and quite frankly, my life has become quite boring. and i think i'm finally getting to the point of why i don't blog anymore.  but if you know me at all, you'll know that it usually takes me this long to make a point because it usually includes a lot of boring background information. and what was the point again? oh yes, i don't blog anymore. and why? apparently because all my stuff is in boxes and for some reason that hinders my ability to type on a keyboard.

also, my giveaway ends tomorrow, so if you want free pictures then you sure as heck better hurry up and enter!

oh and one more thing!!
who are you englewood, colorado??
yes, i have a tracker, and yes, i see you...
and i don't mind one bit if you want to read my blog 7 times a day,
but i do mind if you are a creeper.
and thusly, i will have to make my blog private if you don't fess up.
(i am aware that i just made up a word. but thusly seems to fit at the moment.)
so if you are a friendly sort of person, can you just please email me? kaliandwade @ gmail . com
i promise not to submit you to public humiliation.
i will just feel relief that you aren't plotting to kidnap my baby and carry on my merry blogging way.



last night i spent the evening with the talented andrew mcmahon:

at this reunion tour:

i may have gotten a little emotional.
a little teary-eyed
and goosebumps all over my arms
when they opened with "i woke up in a car"
so many memories.
their music will always take me back to my college days
when i was lost,
and confused,
a little crazy at times,
but, oh, so very happy.