may day!

um, its not an emergency...
its just may.
so i felt like saying, "may day!"
also, my friend, laura, had this cute idea to post about motherhood during the month of may.
it is the month for mother's day!
and i think motherhood is a beautiful thing.
and i heard once that all women are mothers,
because it's just in our nature.
and whether or not we actually have children of our own,
we still take care of each other and love each other and serve each other.
and isn't that what motherhood is all about anyway?

i've asked some friends (some mothers, some not) to guest post on my blog during this month about their experience as a mother, their desire to be a mother, their mothers. so be looking for those! and check out laura's blog too, because she will be doing the same, beautiful thing.  do you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? i do. :) and i'm so excited.

{also, if you would like to share anything and be a guest poster on my blog, shoot me an email at kaliandwade@gmail.com.  i would love to hear your thoughts.}


rockport, ma

we went on a sunday drive last week and discovered the cute little town of rockport.
we loved it! it was super windy and kind of chilly, so we decided we would go back when we could spend more time walking around and exploring. little miles absolutely loves to stare at the water though! we can't wait to take him to the beach this summer!


when i got back to boston after being in utah for almost a month, my wonderful friends and relief society brought and sent flowers...3 times! just to tell me they loved me and missed me.
i'm so grateful for thoughtful people who are helping to heal my heart.
{tulips and cala lilies...my favorites!}

is this not the coolest arrangement you've ever seen?
i neeeeeed to learn floral design. i love it.


i had to ask my grandma a question.
a question about asparagus {but that is irrelevant to the story}.
i called up her house.
my grandpa answered.
the conversation went as followed:

me: hi grandpa! is grandma there?
grandpa: no. she's over at your mom's house.
              reading your blob.
me: my blob?
grandpa: yeah. your blob. or your glob.
              whatever you call it.

i'm not sure, but i think he meant blog.
i sure love my grandpa.


remember when...

i didn't have stretch marks all over my body?
and i was 20 pounds thinner?
and i didn't have to get a babysitter every time i went out?
and my days didn't revolve around naptimes and bedtimes?
and i actually slept through a whole night without being woken up?
and i didn't have to change my clothes 4 times a day?

...those were the days before him.
and i would never trade it for anything in the world.

his new thing

we are still trying to figure out what this means.

at random,
he will just scrunch up his face,
and breathe
loudly and quickly
through his nose,
over and over again.
almost like a tantrum...

concord and lexington

for my mom's last day in boston
we went to lexington and concord.
first we met her cute friend
at a sandwich shop.

{the drooling and the chubby cheeks? he get's both of those from me.}

then we went out to 
old north bridge
where the battles first began
in the revolutionary war,
between the 13 original colonies
and the british.
you've probably heard of it as
"the shot heard 'round the world."
{once again, i will tell you to look up this
information yourself. i am no expert on u.s.

then off we went to sleepy hollow cemetery
to see the graves of these famous authors
several who i have read
and love.
we payed our respects...

and then i grave robbed.
do forgive me.
i don't believe louisa may alcott
would be that upset with me.
what is she going to do with 40¢?
i, for one, have to pay parking meters.
and these dimes came in quite handy.

and then we were decided to take advantage
of wade babysitting miles in the car
and took funny pictures with our umbrellas.

{do you recognize this umbrella?
the one i wanted for valentine's day?
i never received it.
my husband failed me that day
 in the umbrella department.
but i got an ipod nano instead,
so i guess that makes up for it.
but! he did eventually buy it for me.
on the 4th of july?
the forecast said rainy.
it wasn't.
i didn't end up needing it.
but i got my umbrella!
and i must say, it is quite the umbrella.
better than any i've ever owned, 
in that it completely blocks the rain from
all directions.
also, it makes me feel like i'm 
in my own little world.
and i like that.
the end.}

please come back and play.
love you!


the elms

newport is famous for it's mansions.
summer homes for the rich.
the rich, as in the vanderbilt's.
and they are ridiculously large and gorgeous.
{porter always loved large houses and dreamed of having
a mansion someday, you know, when he was rich and famous?
well after we left the first mansion, my mom proclaimed, "that
was awesome! porter would have loved it!" and then she got
major goosebumps. and we decided that he did love it.}
we toured the breakers and the elms,
but didn't have time for any other's
because my mom needed more lobster bisque.
and this time it had sherry in it...
shhh. don't tell.
{wade tried to trick me once. and he told me that
alcohol cooks out of food. so its okay to eat it.
so i went like a whole year, not worrying if i ate food
with alcohol. (it's in like, everything out here) and THEN
one day, i looked it up. because google answers all my questions.
and guess what. it doesn't cook out. it's still like 80%
alcohol. more trivia for you. you're welcome}
here's some pictures of the elms mansion:
we tried to take pictures with it, 
but we looked like midgets and gave up.

and just for kicks
(and because i forgot to take pictures),
here's more pictures from the breakers mansion
last year, same month.
entirely different weather!

castle hill lighthouse

remember last time i went to newport, ri?
i was sick and pukey and sick.
and miles was in my tummy
instead of in my arms.
and i must say, this time was much more pleasant
because i didn't have to lean over the ocean
and let my lunch join the the water.
anyway, we found another lighthouse.
it was sweeet!
built right into the side of the cliff.

bad weather

this is porter's song, written and recorded by him and his friend, brett mcneill, right before he passed away. he recorded himself playing two different guitar parts, and then mixed them together.  my dad emailed it to me the other night and wade and i have been singing it all day.  i may be biased... but he was one talented kid. :)

also, check out his band, ask for the future.
he played the bass for them.
i pretty much love the song "bring me home"
{scroll down. its in the music player on the left side.}

{right click and open in a new window}

bad weather
where do i go from here
i can't believe what i've done
taste of angry words seared onto my tongue

it's not your fault
don't turn away my simple pain

i put crazy on me but it's not my best color
and if you're waiting on me, i hope you're dressed for bad weather
i wasted one chance that turned into ten
now i face the consequence of living inside my head

i don't know where to turn
i feel lost without you
i'll always fear the burn playin' the fool

it's much too hard
i won't pretend it's not
the feeling's lost
i put crazy on me but it's not my best color
and if you're waiting on me, i hope you're dressed for bad weather
i wasted one chance that turned into ten
now i face the consequence of living inside my head

nauset light

on our little road trip to plymouth,
we decided to continue onto cape cod
and go exploring.
my mom is in love with lighthouses.
we had a room growing up that was decorated completely with lighthouses.
but she had never seen one.
so we were on a quest to find one.
and find one we did.
and the first words out of my mom's mouth were,
"it's a REAL lighthouse!"
yes, indeed.
it was real.

and here's a little bit of trivia for all you new englanders out there. nauset light is the lighthouse on all the cape cod potato chip bags!


dear porter,

i just walked into the room
to hear a song wade was listening to
playing on the computer.
it was keane (hamburg song).
your favorite band.
and i broke down.
and wade let me cry on his shoulder
while we listened to the rest of it together.
the words hit hard.
but probably not in a way the song was meant for.

i remember all those times
i heard keane music
blaring out of the computer speakers,
blaring out of the car speakers,
blaring out of your cd player,
and i remember all those times
i told you to turn it down,
turn it off.
because keane annoyed the heck out of me.
because i heard it so much.
but now, i wish i could hear it blaring
out of anything of yours.
it reminds me of you.
and i'll never stop listening to it.

remember that time you came to walmart with me?
and you begged me to buy you the new coldplay cd, x&y?
and i was surprised.
i don't know why...
you just seemed so young.
too young to care about music.
but i bought it for you anyway.
and i think around that time,
you started to discover your musical talents.
and we started to realize just how good you really were.
and you dreamed of being famous,
of making it big one day.
there is no doubt in my mind that
you would have.

i talked to mom yesterday.
she's been reading a book
about the spirit world.
and she told me how close you really are.
and wade gave me a blessing last night.
he said that you loved me.
that you were so happy.
that you loved what you were doing.
but you were excited to be with us again.
i know you're here.
but it just feels like you're only half way here.
does that make sense?

sometimes i wish i would have known.
had time to prepare,
had time to say good-bye.
but i maybe think it was better this way.
i just wish i still had your texts in my phone.
the rest of the family does.
locked and safe.
the very day you died,
i was deleting my old text messages,
and i scrolled past yours
and had a strong impression to not delete them.
of course i brushed it off.
of course i thought to myself,
why would i keep these?
and of course,
i'm kicking myself.

i've been thinking a lot lately about our "lasts"
you know, texts, hugs, phone calls...
and i am so grateful i came to utah in january.
it was just a whim.
just a silly whim.
a funny surprise to show up on the doorstep.
but what if i hadn't?
you wouldn't have met miles.
you wouldn't have shared in-n-out fries with me.
you wouldn't have thrown miles's diaper away at the gas station
for me, even though it disgusted you to touch it.
you wouldn't have shown me your band's music while i sat on your bedroom floor.
you wouldn't have asked me where you could buy a cool plaid shirt.
you wouldn't have stayed up late with me, cracking jokes and goofing off.
you wouldn't have watched the biggest loser with me and made fun of it the whole time.
i wouldn't have any "last" memories...
because i wouldn't remember the last time i saw you.

but i remember because you drove me to the airport with mom.
january 22nd.
probably around 11pm.
and you sat in the front seat.
and when we pulled up to the curb,
you got out to hug me.
and that was it.

anyway, little brother,
i still miss you.
i think about you everyday.
we all do.

love you.

hamburg song
by keane

i don't want to be adored
i don't want to be first in line or make myself heard
i'd like to bring a little light
to shine a light on your life
and make you feel love

no, don't wanna be the only one you know
i wanna be the place you call home

i lay myself down, to make it so
but you don't want to know
i give much more
than i'd ever ask for

will you see me in the end?
or is it just a waste of time?
trying to be your friend?
just shine, shine, shine,
shine a little light
shine a light on my life
and warm me up again.

i wonder if you know yourself at all.
you know that it could be so simple.

i lay myself down, to make it so
but you don't want to know
you take much more
than i'd ever ask for

say a word or two to brighten my day
do you think that you could see it your way?

to lay yourself down, to make it so
but you don't want to know
you take much more
than i'd ever ask for


plymouth, mass.

we drove down to plymouth,
to see plymouth rock, of course.
you know...
where the pilgrims showed up on the mayflower?
and thats about all i know.
i need to brush up on my u.s. history.
but shouldn't such a monumental landmark be, well,

but anyway,
like i said, we drove all the way to plymouth.
to see the rock. right?
if you ask my mom,
we drove all the way to plymouth
to get lobster bisque.
at the lobster hut.
she was in pure, lobster bisque heaven.
i, on the other hand, will always just stick with
a burger and fries.