motherhood #13

by Jill:

 Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, 'Child, you must wait'.
'Wait? You say, wait! ' my indignant reply.
'Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By Faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I can relate
hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
And Lord, You promised that if we believe
we need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, 'You must wait.'
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
and grumbled to God, 'So, I'm waiting.... for what?'
He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, 'I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want But, you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save.... (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.
You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for Thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!
So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, 'WAIT.'

I don't have children. 
I have prayed my whole life to be a mom. 
It's something I've longed for since I was little. 
My husband and I have been wanting and trying for pregnancy for nearly 3 years. 
We've been through treatments which have only brought false hope and brutal let down.  
This struggle doesn't get easier with time and my heart breaks every time I hear of someone going through this trial. 
It is a hard one, but the only thing I can say is that I know there is a loving God who knows best. 
Even when it seems He's forgotten, He hasn't. 
He is working miracles in us with His teaching. 
I feel changed because of this trial. 
I feel like I have learned things in ways I wouldn't otherwise and I have learndappreciate I feel grateful that He loves me enough to teach me personally. 
I go up and down. 
Right now, I'm down. 
I am grateful though for the desire built in me to be a nurturing mother, for the miracle of life, and for the mothers who truly cherish what they have.
I'm also grateful for neices and nephews.
They are my kids while I wait...and thank goodness for the joy they bring to me.


Jill said...

Rather depressing...sorry everyone. :) I really am a happy person, I promise. Wrote this on a bad day I suppose.

Jillian said...

To be honest, I haven't read most of these because I'm not even in the running baby wise. It is still hard for me to read while I am without a ring on my finger and a man of my own by my side.

But Jill, I read yours. (Ok, and my sister's too I'll admit.) Initially it was your name caught my eye. I couldn't keep from reading, which is good because your sentiment was not the cruel irony I expected, but spoke the words in my heart too. Not depressing... just pensive. And very much appropriate.

Thank you for speaking. My little ones are waiting too. So are yours. That brings me comfort to know I'm not the only one waiting :)

Lyndi said...

For me, this was a sweet reminder of how much Heavenly Father loves us, and how completely involved He is. We just need to be brave and faithful. Thank you for the beautiful reminder.