are you confused?

don't worry.
so am i.
if you read my last post (which has been deleted, thank you very much)
you can go ahead and pretend i never wrote it.
things got too complicated.
people got confused.
i just can't juggle all the blogs, and the emails, and the facebook pages.
so its back to my regular old name:
carry on.

p.s. if you are also wondering why i never made my blog private...
well did you know blogger only allows 100 emails?
so while i decide what to do about this predicament, my blog will continue to be a free for all.

one more thing.
in case you are getting really annoyed,
a REAL blog post is coming soon.
and by soon, i probably mean in like a month.


can i be frank?

you're invited to a pity party.
my pity party.
and really, i don't want your pity. 
just your permission to whine.
also, why am i asking permission?
today, miles threw up.
the first two, i somehow dodged.
then he got wade.
and then he got me.
once it went down my shirt.
that felt awesome.
then i showered.
and he got me again.
and then wade.
and we started a competition to see who got hit the most.
i think we tied with an even 4 each.
and my poor little baby hasn't eaten anything since this morning.
it breaks my heart.
it breaks my heart even more that we paid for an instacare visit when our insurance starts in, yes, 4 DAYS.

now onto me being frank.
i feel that this is probably too personal for my liking.
yes, too personal. as if all my stories about me being allergic to my husband and throw up going down my shirt aren't personal enough. only its a different kind of personal. the kind of personal where i tell you why sometimes i hate myself. that some days i say to myself, "what on earth am i even doing with my life." which is, of course, related to all things in my life. and then there's the times where i am editing 17,000 pictures on my computer and i think to myself, "really? am i doing this because i love it?" and most of the time, i do love it. but there are times when i just want to throw my camera out the window and publicly declare that i have banned all forms of photography, personal and professional from my life, because try as i might, i just can't get where i want to be with it. and i take classes and i study my brain out, and how many possible ways can there really be to properly expose a picture? and then i start comparing myself to everyone else and it becomes not fun anymore. sometimes, i feel like there is some hidden trick that everyone is hiding from me. and then my precious husband, who doesn't even know the difference between aperture and shutter speed (bless his heart) tries to tell me i'm being too hard on myself. and while we are talking about things that get me down, you should also know that i am no good at public speaking. i hate large groups. i avoid social gatherings like the plague.  in fact, get me in a group with more than three people and i will probably shut down. which surprises some people because i can honestly say that i am shy and they laugh in my face. but guess what. I AM SHY. and very self conscious. and if you say something to me that could even remotely be close to an insult, i will probably worry about it for nights on end before i fall asleep, (which is another reason for me to say bless wade's heart.) oh, and that brings up another point. i worry. non-stop. i drive my own self crazy sometimes. and instead of doing something about it, i just do nothing. which causes me to procrastinate, which causes my days to be stressful, and my nights to be long and sleepless and my mornings to be, well, horrible. which thank goodness that my mom likes to take my baby for walks. and then i add to the list of things to worry about: #305497 my baby will like my mom more than me. 

now that i've exposed my soul, who wants to join my pity party?
only please, no more than 3 people are allowed at once.


my grandma and grandpa are celebrating their 50th anniversary tonight.
they asked me to make a slideshow for their big shin-dig.
this is the song they wanted. {you're my best friend, by don williams}
and when i showed them the finished product, they both cried.
i hope i'm this in love when i get old. :)

this weekend, after the party, of course, we are taking a quick trip logan for a photo class (woohoo!)
and then straight back down for a wedding tomorrow night, shot by yours truly.
also. i'm just happy that i will get to be in wade's presence in the daylight hours longer than 30 minutes.
we are both grateful to have jobs...
just wish there was more time in the day.

happy weekend!



brigham city and logan!
i'm coming up there for photo sessions on oct. 2nd.
i only have a few more slots open.
let me know if you want one!


the time has come.

we are going private.
i hate to do this. i know it's sort of a pain.
if you would like to keep reading my blog, please send me your email addresses.
either in a comment or to my email kaliandwade @ gmail . com 


dear porter,

you were born on this day,
nineteen years ago.
it was friday the 13th.
mom said there was a bat loose in the hospital's hallway.
if i were superstitious,
i would say that was a bad sign of things to come.
but i'm not superstitious.
so it's just funny.
we used to tease you for being born on such a creepy day.

i spent the morning looking at pictures of you.
it is so very strange to see you staring back at me
and looking so very alive.
and every single picture i have to remind myself that you aren't here anymore.
and i wonder when it's going to feel real.
because 6 months seems like a long time for something to settle in
and make itself cozy in my mind.

this is your first birthday without you here.
we wanted to make it special.
so we sort of just celebrated all weekend.
we hiked up to your mountain on saturday.
we all ate breakfast burritos in the parking lot
before we headed up the trail.
cooper carried a rock that says
"in loving memory of porter
'somewhere only we know'"
of course, referring to keane.
we put it at the base of the cliff.
and then at the top we all talked about you.
funny memories and stories.
you were quite the character.

ask for the future played a concert in our backyard.
in your honor.
it was the first time i got to see them play.
it was also the last.
they aren't playing together anymore.
i wish so badly that i had gotten to see you in a show.
but this was almost just as good.
sam squared played your bass.
and i couldn't really look at him without crying.
they are all such nice guys.
you had such genuine people in your life.
probably because you were so genuine yourself.
they wrote a song for you.
and they started it by singing a keane song.
and i hope you got to be here.

oh and we all wrote you love letters on balloons
and sent them up to heaven.
i hope they made it.

i'm really glad we got to stop and remember you again.
because sometimes i think we are just expected to carry on like normal.
and so we do.
only it's a new kind of "normal"
a "normal" where every day feels like something is missing.
but if it were really up to us,
we would celebrate you like this every weekend.
but the neighbors might start to wonder what was wrong with us.

in the words of your friend tyler,
"happy birthday porter. this day is still yours."
this day truly will always be yours.
sometimes i miss you so much it hurts.

love you.


labor day weekend

perfect weather
dutch oven cooking
a wedding shoot
megan and 2 week old jack
halloween jammies
pretty sunsets
the smell of cut hay

a lovely weekend.
hello autumn.