3.24.2010

dear porter,

we did it.
we waited until the snow melted,
and we went to face your mountain.
my stomach hurt when we pulled into the parking lot
as i looked up at the cliff and pictured you standing up there.
and then pictured you falling.
which i really shouldn't have done.
but i couldn't help myself.

dave and brian came with us,
which made it a lot easier.
we hiked to the base of the cliff
where dad found you.
i wanted to stop everyone that passed us on the trail,
even though they were strangers.
i wanted to tell them what happened here.
i wanted them to know that it was a special place.
it didn't seem right for them to pass on by,
never knowing.

we searched everywhere for your shoe
and your glasses.
especially your glasses.
for some reason, it was so important to us to find them.
they were the last things you were wearing.
a small piece of you.

we almost gave up ever thinking we would find them.
there was so much brush
and so many rocks.
so much junk...
waterbottles,
trash,
tv's and scrap metal?
people who threw them off the cliff
as a joke.
its funny how you view things after something like this happens.

dad found your shoe first.
maybe 50 feet from where your body was.
how did it get that far?
maybe i don't want to know the answer to that.
but we were so glad it was still there.

we finally gave up on the glasses.
we thought they would be in a million little pieces.
glasses don't survive a fall like that.
just as we were about to leave,
dad glanced down,
and there they were.
in one piece.
a miracle, right up against the cliff wall.
our only logical conclusion is that they fell off
before you landed.
we will never know what really happened that day.
but miracles don't need logic.

a friend of yours shared a conversation she had with you
it was one you had on instant messenger.
ironically, about death.
and she had saved it on her computer,
back in august 2009.
you had dreamed you were dying
and you had been reading about the life after this one.
you told her you thought it would be a 
"peaceful beautiful thing."
that you believed family and friends greet you on the other side
and take you to a perfect place,
and that
"living here is only a tiny part of our huge adventure."
we can't wait to continue that adventure with you.

love you. 

13 comments:

Two Little Mittons said...

I want to go on that hike now...and unlike all those other people on the trail, I'll know how special that place is, and how special it is to you. :)

ari said...

We could engrave a rock,just a nice river rock, with whatever you want on it and put it at the head of the trail...then more people would know what a special place it is. Let us know what you would want on it and we will get it done!!!

LL said...

AMAZING!!! i'm so happy you were able to find his things.

Whitney said...

I don't usually have time to catch up on everyone's blogs, but I always take time to read yours. My heart breaks every time I do, but you're so amazing and so strong that I can't help but be drawn to it.
I hope you know that I love you and think you're great. Porter is so lucky to have you as his sister.

The Silvas said...

Oh Kali, I'm glad that you were able to face the mountain and that you found his things. I loved reading this post and looking at the pictures. Thank you so much for sharing your letters to Porter with us, your blog readers. Love ya!

Nancy said...

Hey Kali! Thank you so much for these letters to Porter. I am amazed at your ability to write your emotions and your pictures tell such a story. I've been living a little extra close to my little brother since I heard, and I just... I donno... appreciate the experiences you share here. I pray that you will continue to feel peace and love. And, if anything, thank you for the reminder and blessing it has been in my life even though I never knew your brother.

Jill said...

Beautiful Kali! He was a neat boy wasn't he? Thank you for sharing him with us. He's lucky to have you as a sister.

Amanda & Clay said...

I know you dont know me, but I started following your blog a while back when I was just poking around looking at random blogs, I think you are so inspiring and you are such a good writer.

Its so nice that you and your family have somewhere to go to be together and remember your brother, My dad passed away in the middle of an intersection and sometimes Ill just drive by and wish I could get out and sit there but it would be pretty weird if someone saw me sitting in the middle of the road right?

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that you are a really strong person, and a huge inspiration to me a stranger, so keep on doing what your doing :D

Scott and Kristy said...

Wow, I can see why Porter would love to hike there! It's nice you spend this time with your Family....

Jacki said...

oh i'm so glad you guys found his things!
even though i never had the chance to meet porter, i feel close to him just reading the stories and letters that you write to him. very touching. i hope you and your family still feel comfort.

p.s. i added you to my blog list, i hope you don't mind. :)

http://jacki-livelaughlove.blogspot.com/

LyndiLou said...

Ohhh... good!!! I'm sooo glad that you were able to find everything! I wouldn't want to just leave those things there. I would want them safe and close.

I'm proud of you for being sooo brave.

ashley.warner said...

you have such a way with words Kali.
Thank you for sharing your life with the blogging world.
I still pray for you and your family.
much love! :)

ashley.warner said...
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