dear porter,

today was really, really hard.

we went to the funeral home to make arrangements.
we had to choose your casket.
we all just cried while we looked at the choices.
it didn't seem right.
but i think you will like the one we picked.
it's brown, to match the outdoors.

i came down the stairs to see mom folding your laundry.
she washed the last batch today.
she set your jeans on top of the pile
and we wondered what to do with all your clothes.

mom and i went through all your scrapbooks today.
we were picking pictures for your slideshow.
and we remembered the time when you were 6 and you saved up all your money.
you bought your very own foam airplane.
and you were so excited you could barely talk.
and we watched the home video over and over and over again.
and we laughed.
a lot.

we all hung out in your room last night until 3 am.
we looked through your phone.
we thought about who had talked to you last and at what time.
we found all your old pictures,
there were some of your favorite hike,
and one of an orange you had peeled to look like a smiley face
then we pulled out the things in your nightstand
and cried at the goals you had written down for yourself,
and the check that you never cashed.

someone in mom and dad's new ward drew an amazing picture of you.
we can't believe how much it looks like you.
we put it right where we can see it, all the time.
it's just perfect.

any minute now, i feel like you are going to come home.
we are missing you
but don't worry about us.
we have a lot of wonderful people taking care of us.

love you.

(pastel by elspeth young)


The Searle Family said...

Kali, I don't even know what to say right now. I am sitting here in tears just wishing I could give you a hug. I am so sorry, I love you. You and your family are in my prayers. What sad, unexpected news, I hope you and your family feel comfort at this time. Your poems to Porter are beautiful. If you need anything please let me know.

Rachel said...

Man, reading this brings me right back to the first weeks without my Mom. And it hurt more than anything I've ever felt. I want you to know that feeling that you have... that exposed black hole in the middle of your chest? You are not alone in that feeling, ever.

I hope you all find peace as much as you can, and I am glad you have each other. Because in the end thats all we have is our family and close friends to get us through things we thought we never could.

Two Little Mittons said...

Kali, you are so sweet and amazing, and so is your family. I can't believe the strength you have in writing this. Thank you for sharing. We are all here for you.

the weisenburger life said...

Kali, Thanks for sharing your memories of Porter with us. My sweet Sarah and I are really missing him also. He was an incredible young man and has been a huge influence in our lives.

ari said...

Beautiful picture, thanks for these posts, it helps us all!

Jill said...

Oh my heart just breaks for you and and your family...

What a beautiful picture. I hope you continue to feel the love of many.

LL said...

that sketch of Porter is beautiful. What an amazing gift!
Please keep writing these letters, they touch my heart each day.

Launi said...

Elspeth is amazing. She is just a couple years older than you are Kali. She has her art in the book, "Women of the Old Testament," at all the bookstores in town. What an amazing gift she has for capturing the joyful spark that Porter has.
He'll be back soon, honey.
Know that.

David said...

That's an amazing likeness! Great artist!

Rhonda said...

Porter is so dang handsome. My heart hurts for you but know that you are finding comfort and strength through all the support there. Please pass on hugs to your mom from me. Our prayers will be with you today and for years to come.

LyndiLou said...

Still crying. And crying.

Elspeth is SUCH a sweet young lady! I just adore her. She is gentle and sweet and kind. Absolutely worth getting to know. She did an amazing job... the painting makes me smile so I hope it brings you guys peace as well.

PS- You should type Elspeths name into google, or even just Deseret Book's site and see some of her amazing work... you'll get a feel of her sweet spirit. :)

Jillian said...

Elspeth was just a grade older than me. She was my idol in school. I look(ed) up to her so much. There are so many good people in that ward. That makes me feel better knowing that they're taking care of you guys!

Jodie Banks said...

Oh sweet Kali, what a beautiful way you have with words. Perhaps your talent in writing was given to you "for just such a time a this." What a blessing your thoughts will be to Miles some day so he can get to know his Uncle Porter. My thoughts and prayers are with you all...

Kelley said...

Kali, I just heard the news from Brooke. I am so very sorry for you and your family's loss. I am just stunned. Just unbelieving this is real. Please accept our sincere condolences. With all my love. Kelley

Mormon Mommy Blogs said...

What a beautiful portrait!

When my husbands father died, we hung out in house for days. We ordered take-out from his favorite restaurants (literally one of everything) and sat around telling stories and eating. It was so therapeutic.

Much love from this stranger to your family.