dear porter,

can i just say that i miss you?
our house seems too quiet.
there used to be 6 of us (8, if you count wade and miles)
and now there is only one less person.
so why does it seem like our family is so small?
how long until we stop looking around and wondering who is missing?

the funeral home has had your body since saturday.
when we last talked to them,
they said we would probably need to do a closed casket viewing.
your poor little body was just too broken up.
but they said we could see you,
if we wanted to.
we debated.
we worried.
we didn't want our last memory of you to be that hard.
but we didn't want to not know.

when we got to the funeral home today,
your casket was already open.
you looked so good, they didn't have to close it.
i'm so happy they were able to fix you.

i met the guys in your band.
they already knew who miles was.
they said you always talked about him.
it made me cry
because miles will never know you in this life.

there is so much left that i wish i could've said to you.
so much more to do.
you were supposed to come see me in boston in a month.
we already bought your plane ticket.

i think that tomorrow will be the hardest day of my life.
i never, ever, thought that i would have to bury my little brother,
especially at the age of 18.
i'm not ready to say goodbye.

love you.


The Rowburys said...

Kali, every one of your letters to your brother are so moving. I cry whenever I read them. I can feel your love for your brother so strongly just by reading. I cannot imagine how hard tomorrow will be for you. I will be thinking and praying for your family.

Launi said...

It's ok, Kali. Tomorrow--just look out at the faces who know you and love you--and your family, and I promise--it will be all right. If you don't even want to say anything--that will be fine too. We love you...and we understand.
If you have words, ok. But if you don't, we will know your heart and that is always enough.

LL said...

thinking of you guys today! Sending love from Boston.

the weisenburger life said...

He did look good didn't he? He looked at peace and there was an incredible feeling there in the room. I hope that the spirit there brought you comfort and peace. Thanks again for sharing on the blog. It has brought our family peace and happiness. What a great service in your time of loss to others who loved Porter but weren't blessed to be in his immediate family.

Kristine L. said...

Good luck today Kali. I will be thinking of you!

tHe GrAy Fam said...

Your strength is beyond anything I can comprehend.. You are one amazing person!! Good luck today, you'll do great!!

Two Little Mittons said...

He will be there with you! Smiling because you did such a great job for him, and because you are so amazing and strong.

Curtis, Jen and Shaylie said...

You did such a good job today - I was really proud of how brave you all were to stand up there and talk about him. Thanks for letting us all be a part of this with you.

jared and susan said...

We are thinking about you and your cute family today. We love you! Jack says "Kali, Miles"? everyday.

Scott and Kristy said...

You and your Family talks were so very wonderful. We are thinking about you.

Megan said...

Kali I just can't stop thinking about you and your family. What a beautiful funeral today - I feel so blessed to have been there. Porter will be missed dearly. I just adore your family!! Glad they are in our stake now.

Jacki said...

i was very honored to finally get to meet you on wednesday night.you have a very strong and amazing family. your letters are truly touching. once again, i'm so sorry for your loss. keep his memories alive. my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Jacki Cordova (brittanys aunt)