dear porter,

for some reason,
i thought your funeral would mean the end of my letters.
i thought i would feel better.
i thought i could continue on living like normal.
but i don't feel normal.
i feel worse.
i feel empty.

today was beautiful and sunny.
i went on a drive with baby miles
and i rolled the windows down.
the breeze felt good
after a long cold winter.
and i wished you were with me.

i had plans to drive up to the canyon.
i looked up at the cliffs all day
and debated.
but in the end,
i just couldn't do it.
i'm not ready to face them yet.
but i am determined to not let them scare me.

i find myself staring at your facebook profile
it is the last connection i have with you.
when new pictures are posted by your friends,
i just cry.
the last thing i wrote on your wall was on feb 28,
"its almost march!
which means you'll be here in like a month! 
and you said,
"Yay I can't wait! We are going to party! :)"
little did we know what march would bring.
i was so looking forward to that party...

we have moments of happiness
but they are fleeting.
far and few between.
i feel like the whole world should stop
and just wait for us to get back on our feet.
pause for a minute
while we figure out how to live without you.

cooper had a dream about you yesterday.
we were all in a room.
and you showed up.
and we knew that you had passed away.
and cooper asked you if you remembered falling.
and you said you did,
but you watched it all happen.
from outside of your body.
and i'm taking that as an answer to my prayers
and running with it.
it gives me some relief.

lost is on tonight.
you spent a week trying to catch up.
and when you finally did,
we had lots to talk about.
but we were both still so confused.
and you texted me the week you died,
and said, "i think lost is a scam.
when it's over, the producers are going to say
we called it lost because we were confused too."
and for some reason
it really really bothers me that you'll never get to finish it.
which makes it so hard for me to watch.
i feel a little guilty.

one more thing-
i just know that you would get a kick out of miles's hair.
and i can hear you laughing
and picture you holding his little fingers
and teasing him about his tight grip.
oh i wish he could remember it.
but i remember it.
and i will tell him about you.

love you.


Brooke and Ryan Naylor said...

Kali, I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you're going through. I wish the world could stop for you for a little while so you could grieve and heal. Please know that I'm always here to talk to. I love you, buddy.

Jill said...

My heart keeps breaking over and over again for you. I can't imagine how you feel. I'm close with my little brother and the conversations in this post seem so familiar. There is something special about a little brother. You are SO strong for handling it the way you are. Know you are inspiring others with how you are handling your grief. Your honesty is appreciated and respected Kali. Still praying for you...

LL said...

that dream must be comforting...and I believe with all my heart that the dream was for that very purpose.
I continue to pray that your family will feel comfort and strength!

Rachel said...

I remember thinking the same thing. Why can't the world just stop for me? Why does everyone else get to keep their loved ones? I wanted to scream at random people on the street that my mom died. Just so that they would stop what they were doing. And everyone could take a moment and remember her.

Somedays I still feel that way, even eight months later. And there are days I still cry myself to sleep. But, there will come relief as time slowly moves on. I keep waiting for the small moments in life to make me laugh, and remember that things are not as bad as they seem.

Julianne said...

oh your little miles is to die for! he's so cute!!!

i love reading your letters to your brother -- they are so sweet. i know it's random but i honestly have thought about you every single day since the accident. i'm say a prayer in my heart everytime i do. i just can't imagine & when things like this happen it makes me hold those that i love a little bit closer to my heart.
so thanks for writing!!

Launi said...

I remember that feeling of driving around looking at the other people in their cars just...carrying on, as though nothing big and dreadful and sad and frightening hadn't happened. I wanted to stand in the middle of the road and scream, "STOP!! Don't you understand what has happened here? Don't you know that the world will never be the same again? What's the matter with all of you?" But they just keep on going.

I want you to know that we haven't forgotten your pain and your heartache and that we still hurt and cry with you.

Thank you so much for sharing your heartache with us so that in some way we can try to help you hold some of it.

love you guys...

Two Little Mittons said...

I love the Lost part of this. I would totally think the same thing. He either doesn't care what happens or he will find out what happens before you! Enjoy the confusion for him, he'd want you to. I love your posts. They make me cry, and they make me smile. You are such a beautiful woman.

Jacki said...

This post made me cry and smile all at the same time. you are such a strong woman to be able to put your words in writing. keep writing your sweet letters, not only will it help you, but it will help us too because we are all still grieving with you. you will never ever forget porter, but the days will get easier.

that picture of cooper and miles is adorable. :)

Jillian said...

It's so different trying to "continue on living like normal" because, you're right, it isn't the same and won't be. If it was the same without him, then just think of how that would make Porter feel? You love him, and the portion of your heart that's just for him will always feel for him. The difference is just... time. We measure, but it will be quicker than you think before you will be with him again.

On a different note, I heard "Who Knew" by Pink the day of his funeral... and fell apart. Sure do love you Kali. You're in our prayers and the temple still! That will help buoy you up!

LyndiLou said...

I think the world should pause and let you take a long deep breath... they don't know what they're missing, do they?!?

Miles will know how much you loved Porter for sure, and it's awesome to know that they, like all of you, will be together again sooner than later!