dear porter,

today we went to the cemetery and picked your plot.
we picked one for mom and dad too,
so you won't be alone up there.
we tried to pick one on the hill
because we know how much you enjoy the view.
i hope you like it.

we had to gather the clothes we wanted you to be buried in.
mom and i picked your green tie, your white shirt, and your brown pants.
they are the clothes you wore for my wedding.
we took them downstairs and layed them out in the living room.
i took pictures so we could always remember.
and while i was taking pictures,
i looked up to see mom crying.
she felt you close by.
you told her, "that's good, mom. i like it."

all the funeral arrangements have been made.
the musicals are prepared.
you are going to love them.
now we just have to muster up the courage to speak.
but you are our brother
and we would never forgive ourselves if we didn't.

dad and i decided that we want to go on your favorite hike,
the one that took you away from us.
we want to find your other shoe,
the one they never found.
and maybe your glasses.
but they gave us your chapstick,
the one that was in your pocket.
burt's bees, of course.

we sent your obituary in to the newspaper.
we were all a little disappointed in how it turned out.
only because there is so much to say about you
but no way to put it into words.

love you.


the hopkins said...

Kali, I am in tears right now. I just read all these posts about your brother, and I am so so sorry. My heart hurts for you and your family. I can't even imagine the pain you are all feeling. Wow, it just makes me want to treat those I love better every day cause you never know what might happen. Your brother sounds like such a neat person and I can tell you love him so much. I don't know what else to say, but I just feel so sad and sorry when I hear things like this. Thank goodness for the gospel. We will keep your family in our prayers.

Maria Lisa said...

Kali, I am so sorry for your loss. I am Jessica Tanner's mother and she told me about you losing your sweet brother. What a gifted writer you are. Thank you for sharing these very personal and heartbreaking feelings. We've had a recent death of a young person in our neighborhood also and although our hearts are broken, we too feel God's love for her and for all of us. May you continue to feel His peace and healing in your lives.

Deepest Condolences,

Launi said...

You know, I keep thinking that Heavenly Father is so wise to say, "mourn with those who mourn," because when you love someone who is suffering, you can't possibly do anything else...but mourn with them. I hope that the tears we cry for you and your sweet family will somehow soften your own.

Thank you so much for offering us the opportunity to share this with you. Oh, I pray that...it helps.

Jillian said...

I am amazed that you can voice your thoughts in such composed words at this time. What a gift of expression you have!

LyndiLou said...

I'm with my Mom on that one... I hope the tears we cry mean there's less for you to cry.

I hope the hike goes well and you find some of what's missing... Heavenly Father will fill in the other gaps!

Love you guys.

Curtis, Jen and Shaylie said...

My heart aches for you and your family. I wish there were something I could do to make this easier for you all. Thank you for sharing with everyone... it really helps us all, too.

Thank goodness for our knowledge of the gospel because we all know that you will be able to be with Porter again some day.

I love you, Kali. Please let me know if I can do anything for you.

ari said...

Very sweet. I like the picture of the clothes....I would not have thought of that, very nice.
You will be able to speak at the funeral, you will find the strength and you are right...you would have regretted it had you not. I have a regret from that once and I have never allowed that to happen again. You WILL find the strength through the comforter, as you already have found. Love ya!

LL said...

what a neat idea to photograph the clothing. Good for you, speaking at his funeral. You have such a gift with words!

Hayward Family said...

I'm so sorry to hear of the passing of your brother!! I work with your dad and we just LOVE HIM! My heart just ACHES for your family! We have made sure we keep you all in our prayers day and night.. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us.

Jake & Erin said...

Kali, we were saddened to hear of your loss, but find comfort in the comfort & peace that you and your family have found. You are so creative & these thoughts you are sharing will be a great memory for you for years to come.
We had so much fun visiting with Wade & Miles the other day - we hope to see you soon!
We love you!

paige and jord said...

i am just now visiting your blog and my heart is absolutely breaking for you and your family right now. what a tragic thing to go through. but what a blessing it is that we have the gospel. i know the hardest days are probably yet to come when the cards stop coming, and the meals, and everything else. but stay strong girl. you are in my thoughts and prayers.
all my love

Kristina P. said...

Kali, I have met your mom Susette through blogging and I am sitting here at work, crying. You have such a beautiful way with words. Your brother was clearly so very loved and looked up to.

My thoughts and prayers are with your family.

Mormon Mommy Blogs said...

Kali, I have also met your mother through blogging and I know how much she loves her children.

You have a gift with words and my heart is aching for you. Thank you for sharing your words.

My prayers are with your family through this horrid time. I pray you will continue to feel the arms of the Savior holding you and know the love He has for you.