um?

anyone feel like my baby looks like an old man?

and just as I was about to doubt his cuteness....
he redeemed himself.

but let's be honest.
we all have our moments right?
I should do a post with all my hideous pictures.
believe me, there are quite a few.

mini photo sessions!

i realize this is really last minute...
seeing as i just decided to do this today.
i'm trying to expand my portfolio.
SO, i'm doing a mini photography session {a half hour slot}
for only $20
{includes a cd of at least 10-15 images, more if things go well :) }
Saturday, March 27 from 9-11am and 3-5pm
**if Saturday is too soon, we can try for a day next week.
at a location in Lehi that I'm going to check out tomorrow.
apparently it has awesome brick walls, train tracks, and a tire swing.
the weather is supposed to be 49° and sunny.
i'll bring some props... you can bring your own if you want too.
children. families. couples. whatever you want.
email me if you're interested at
kaliandwade@gmail.com
or
kalipoulsenphoto@gmail.com

you can also check out some of my favorite photo shoots
on my newly revamped, in-the-works, blog:
kalipoulsenphotography.blogspot.com

dear porter,

we did it.
we waited until the snow melted,
and we went to face your mountain.
my stomach hurt when we pulled into the parking lot
as i looked up at the cliff and pictured you standing up there.
and then pictured you falling.
which i really shouldn't have done.
but i couldn't help myself.

dave and brian came with us,
which made it a lot easier.
we hiked to the base of the cliff
where dad found you.
i wanted to stop everyone that passed us on the trail,
even though they were strangers.
i wanted to tell them what happened here.
i wanted them to know that it was a special place.
it didn't seem right for them to pass on by,
never knowing.

we searched everywhere for your shoe
and your glasses.
especially your glasses.
for some reason, it was so important to us to find them.
they were the last things you were wearing.
a small piece of you.

we almost gave up ever thinking we would find them.
there was so much brush
and so many rocks.
so much junk...
waterbottles,
trash,
tv's and scrap metal?
people who threw them off the cliff
as a joke.
its funny how you view things after something like this happens.

dad found your shoe first.
maybe 50 feet from where your body was.
how did it get that far?
maybe i don't want to know the answer to that.
but we were so glad it was still there.

we finally gave up on the glasses.
we thought they would be in a million little pieces.
glasses don't survive a fall like that.
just as we were about to leave,
dad glanced down,
and there they were.
in one piece.
a miracle, right up against the cliff wall.
our only logical conclusion is that they fell off
before you landed.
we will never know what really happened that day.
but miracles don't need logic.

a friend of yours shared a conversation she had with you

it was one you had on instant messenger.

ironically, about death.

and she had saved it on her computer,

back in august 2009.

you had dreamed you were dying

and you had been reading about the life after this one.

you told her you thought it would be a 

"peaceful beautiful thing."

that you believed family and friends greet you on the other side

and take you to a perfect place,

and that

"living here is only a tiny part of our huge adventure."

we can't wait to continue that adventure with you.

love you. 

it was june 2009.
we were waiting at the airport for cooper to come home from his mission.
i was 5 months pregnant.
we were a little bored.
i was holding my mom's camera...
and just waiting.
so i ran up to porter.
i snapped a picture real quick.
before porter even knew i was doing it.
he always thought i was a little goofy.

this is the last picture we ever took together.

my coping mechanism

coping mechanism: any effort directed to stress management, the factors that enable an individual to regain emotional equilibrium after a stressful experience.

*my husband, mr. psychology, would be proud of my word choice.

dear porter,

for some reason,
i thought your funeral would mean the end of my letters.
i thought i would feel better.
i thought i could continue on living like normal.
but i don't feel normal.
i feel worse.
i feel empty.

today was beautiful and sunny.
i went on a drive with baby miles
and i rolled the windows down.
the breeze felt good
after a long cold winter.
and i wished you were with me.

i had plans to drive up to the canyon.
i looked up at the cliffs all day
and debated.
but in the end,
i just couldn't do it.
i'm not ready to face them yet.
but i am determined to not let them scare me.

i find myself staring at your facebook profile
it is the last connection i have with you.
when new pictures are posted by your friends,
i just cry.
the last thing i wrote on your wall was on feb 28,
"its almost march!
which means you'll be here in like a month! 
yayyyyY!!!!!!!!"
and you said,

"Yay I can't wait! We are going to party! :)"

little did we know what march would bring.

i was so looking forward to that party...

we have moments of happiness

but they are fleeting.

far and few between.

i feel like the whole world should stop

and just wait for us to get back on our feet.

pause for a minute

while we figure out how to live without you.

cooper had a dream about you yesterday.

we were all in a room.

and you showed up.

and we knew that you had passed away.

and cooper asked you if you remembered falling.

and you said you did,

but you watched it all happen.

from outside of your body.

and i'm taking that as an answer to my prayers

and running with it.

it gives me some relief.

lost is on tonight.
you spent a week trying to catch up.
and when you finally did,
we had lots to talk about.
but we were both still so confused.
and you texted me the week you died,
and said, "i think lost is a scam.
when it's over, the producers are going to say
we called it lost because we were confused too."
and for some reason
it really really bothers me that you'll never get to finish it.
which makes it so hard for me to watch.
i feel a little guilty.

one more thing-
i just know that you would get a kick out of miles's hair.

and i can hear you laughing

and picture you holding his little fingers

and teasing him about his tight grip.

oh i wish he could remember it.

but i remember it.

and i will tell him about you.

everyday.

love you.

if you were with me tonight

i'd sing to you just one more time

a song for a heart so big

God wouldn't let it live.

may angels lead you in.

-jimmy eat world

(photos by dave and lindsay farnworth)

dear porter,

today was your funeral.
our close little family went really early.
just the 7 of us.
we all stood around your body one last time.

we tucked your guitar pick between your fingers.
right where it belongs.
and we wrote you a letter and put it in your hands.
i held miles up so he could see.
i told him you were his uncle porter.
i told him that you loved him.
and he looked right at you for a long time,
with his very concerned and honest face.
i like to believe that he knows.

we closed your casket for the viewing today.
we thought it would be best.
but we put your picture on top of it.
the one your best friend brian took of you,
when you guys hiked above bridal veil falls.
and that's how we want people to remember.

your funeral service was full of laughter and tears.
it was a celebration of your life.
your brothers and I felt no nervousness over speaking,
though our tears may have made our vision a little cloudy.
we felt so much love for you.
and it was you that helped us through it.

dad and i already went back to your grave today after the services were over.
just to check up on you and make sure everything was in order.
it gave us closure to know right where you were resting.
and to see those beautiful white flowers marking your place.

i got to hear the song you wrote today.
the one i never got to hear you play.
we found it on the computer.
mom said you thought the lyrics were genius,
(in your humble and joking way)
and i have to admit,
you are right.

we talked for a few hours again tonight.
i will treasure the conversations we have about you,
because sometimes we get goosebumps.
and sometimes one of us will feel you close by.
and then we share it with each other
and we just feel peace.
but we also laugh.
and that's what you would have wanted.
and that's what we would be doing if you were here.

sometimes we analyze your accident over and over until our heads hurt.
you weren't even close to the edge.
but there were skid marks in the snow.
and we just wonder
what if you had better shoes on?
what if it hadn't snowed?
what if you had turned around just a few minutes earlier?
what if someone had been with you?
and then it turns to what if God just wanted you back?
what if you were too perfect for this earth?

we know where you are, little po po.
and we know what you're doing.
and that makes it a little easier.
we will see your face again,
healed and whole and perfect.
and i hope you're holding a guitar.

this is all, for now.
but i will never stop writing to you.
thinking of you.
remembering you.
or missing you.
you are forever my little brother.

love you.

dear porter,

can i just say that i miss you?
our house seems too quiet.
there used to be 6 of us (8, if you count wade and miles)
and now there is only one less person.
so why does it seem like our family is so small?
how long until we stop looking around and wondering who is missing?

the funeral home has had your body since saturday.
when we last talked to them,
they said we would probably need to do a closed casket viewing.
your poor little body was just too broken up.
but they said we could see you,
if we wanted to.
we debated.
we worried.
we didn't want our last memory of you to be that hard.
but we didn't want to not know.

when we got to the funeral home today,
your casket was already open.
you looked so good, they didn't have to close it.
i'm so happy they were able to fix you.

i met the guys in your band.
they already knew who miles was.
they said you always talked about him.
it made me cry
because miles will never know you in this life.

there is so much left that i wish i could've said to you.
so much more to do.
you were supposed to come see me in boston in a month.
we already bought your plane ticket.

i think that tomorrow will be the hardest day of my life.
i never, ever, thought that i would have to bury my little brother,
especially at the age of 18.
i'm not ready to say goodbye.

love you.

dear porter,

today we went to the cemetery and picked your plot.
we picked one for mom and dad too,
so you won't be alone up there.
we tried to pick one on the hill
because we know how much you enjoy the view.
i hope you like it.

we had to gather the clothes we wanted you to be buried in.
mom and i picked your green tie, your white shirt, and your brown pants.
they are the clothes you wore for my wedding.
we took them downstairs and layed them out in the living room.
i took pictures so we could always remember.
and while i was taking pictures,
i looked up to see mom crying.
she felt you close by.
you told her, "that's good, mom. i like it."

all the funeral arrangements have been made.
the musicals are prepared.
you are going to love them.
now we just have to muster up the courage to speak.
but you are our brother
and we would never forgive ourselves if we didn't.

dad and i decided that we want to go on your favorite hike,
the one that took you away from us.
we want to find your other shoe,
the one they never found.
and maybe your glasses.
but they gave us your chapstick,
the one that was in your pocket.
burt's bees, of course.

we sent your obituary in to the newspaper.
we were all a little disappointed in how it turned out.
only because there is so much to say about you
but no way to put it into words.

love you.

dear porter,

today was really, really hard.

we went to the funeral home to make arrangements.
we had to choose your casket.
we all just cried while we looked at the choices.
it didn't seem right.
but i think you will like the one we picked.
it's brown, to match the outdoors.

i came down the stairs to see mom folding your laundry.
she washed the last batch today.
she set your jeans on top of the pile
and we wondered what to do with all your clothes.

mom and i went through all your scrapbooks today.
we were picking pictures for your slideshow.
and we remembered the time when you were 6 and you saved up all your money.
you bought your very own foam airplane.
and you were so excited you could barely talk.
and we watched the home video over and over and over again.
and we laughed.
a lot.

we all hung out in your room last night until 3 am.
we looked through your phone.
we thought about who had talked to you last and at what time.
we found all your old pictures,
there were some of your favorite hike,
and one of an orange you had peeled to look like a smiley face
then we pulled out the things in your nightstand
and cried at the goals you had written down for yourself,
and the check that you never cashed.

someone in mom and dad's new ward drew an amazing picture of you.
we can't believe how much it looks like you.
we put it right where we can see it, all the time.
it's just perfect.

any minute now, i feel like you are going to come home.
we are missing you
but don't worry about us.
we have a lot of wonderful people taking care of us.

love you.

 

(pastel by elspeth young)

dear porter,

don't worry about us starving anytime soon.
we have lots of food.
and more keeps coming.
believe me, you would be in heaven.
well, you already are.
speaking of which, i hope you still get to eat your favorite beto's breakfast burritos.
it just wouldn't be heaven for you without them.

lots of cute girls were at the house today.
cute girls that were so lucky to have you as a friend.
they were all sitting on the couch and crying.
but also laughing.
because you were so funny.
and they have such good memories.

your band had a gig tonight.
they didn't cancel the show,
but instead, they did an acoustic set in honor of you.
we all wish we could've gone,
but couldn't seem to leave the house.
because this is where we feel you the closest.
but those cute girls i just mentioned said they would record it for us.
i hope you got to see it too.

i also borrowed your chapstick.
the new burt's bees you had sitting in your nightstand.
mom said i could have it.
but i couldn't bear to throw the box away that it was in.
i told mom i might turn into one of those hoarders
like the show on a&e
because i feel guilty getting rid of anything that reminds me of you.

i just walked past the computer room
almost expecting you to be sitting here at the desk
because that's where you were always sitting
every night when i would tell you "good night"
and today, wade was standing on the stairs
and mom glanced up and thought it was you for a second.
and we all started crying.
because it wasn't you.
and we wished so badly that it was.

i'm sleeping in your bed tonight.
i hope you don't mind.

love you.

dear porter,

mom called me late last night with the news.

i play it in my mind over and over.
you hike every day. its what you love.
but did it feel different this time?
what were you thinking about when you spent that time alone with your thoughts?

dad found your water bottle before anything else.
there were scuff marks all over it.
and they hoped it wasn't yours.
now it sits on our counter in the kitchen.
it still has some water in it.
i don't think we will ever pour it out.

mom is wearing your sweatshirt today.
and we've been talking about our favorite memories.
like how you made the best peanut butter cookies.
and how you just wrote a song that I will never get to hear you play.

i worry what your last moments were like.
i hope you weren't in pain.
i hope you didn't feel extreme terror for the seconds you were falling.
i like to believe that you felt peace.
and love.
and comfort.
like we feel right now.

aunt monica said she saw you last night.
she said you were with grandpa. and you were smiling.
and i just know you two are having a good time up there.
but can you come visit me too?

love you.

Porter Addison Fisher

1991-2010

My precious brother passed away last night in a hiking accident. 

 We were so lucky to have this special guy in our lives for 18 years.

We love you, little brother,

and always will.

 

look what miles did today.

mom and dad are so proud.

to avoid my annoying voice, just go ahead and turn your volume all the way down.

i have a bone to pick

with blogger.
i am basically at my wits end.
does anyone else completely hate the quirks that come along with using blogspot.com?
i am considering taking drastic measures, unless anyone has some genius suggestions.
somehow, i have managed to associate 3 emails to my blogger account. 2 of which, i don't even use anymore.
its a constant mess, signing in, signing out.... because it basically automatically signs you in to your email when you sign into blogger. it's like schizophrenia, email style. i have 3 blogger personalities.
but i've heard if i delete my email accounts, then i won't have access to my blog anymore. {and won't be able to read all you private bloggers out there.}
but if i don't do delete them, i will go insane juggling all the accounts.
so i think i will experiment.
transfer my blog to a new account. delete the old accounts. have an entirely new blogspot address.
but i'm scared. 
i could end up losing everything.
do i dare do it?

also, whats up with the comments section?
so many times I want to reply to your comments, but there's no where for me to do it.
and let's face it.  who really wants to come back to my comments to see if i replied?
{don't raise your hand. because you don't want to do that.}
so i nominate we all start clicking that follow-up comment box when we leave a comment.
although that probably means you'll get every comment ever made on my blog sent straight to your email.
how fun.
i give up.

the club

i am now a member of a new club.

thanks to my cute little baby.

you know...the club of parents.

instead of taking a quick, 20 minute trip to walmart, it now takes almost 2 hours.  granted, part of those 2 hours involved stopping to change a diaper, making a bottle, and ditching my full cart {or carriage, as it is called here} to run to the bathroom with my purse, a diaper bag, and a carseat {thank goodness for handicap stalls}. 

but anyway, back to my new club.

the rest of my time shopping consisted of stopping to talk to several people. or rather, them stopping me.  you see, i have a car seat in my cart/carriage, which is a universal sign for "stop and look at my baby!"  there was the cute old couple with very gray hair that stopped to help me get a cart and admire.  then there was the big and tough construction worker who stopped to tell me that they just grow up too fast.  there was the little russian lady who thought it was hilarious that miles was playing with his binky and pulling it in and out of his mouth. and the young african mom with a one-month-old baby who was relieved to hear that time flies quickly and it really does get easier.  and the cashier who swears by popsicles for teething babies {um, nope. not giving my 4-month-old a popsicle. thanks anyway}

and honestly...for someone who spends most of their time alone with a baby all day,

it was refreshing.

and how fun is it to have a reason to talk to complete strangers?  people I would never talk to otherwise.

as parents, we are all in the same boat. it is the one thing that most people can relate to.  parents who are just starting out. parents who have been there, done that.  and who are we kidding, miles is my pride and joy. of course i love to show him off.

its a hard and tiring club.

but its so worth it.

you all should think about joining. ;)

also...

i have a few important items to discuss.

kate gosselin on dancing with the stars?! what the. what does she even think she is doing? i guess she's gotta put food on the table somehow, considering her show is canceled and she wastes all her money on fake hair extensions that look like plastic doll hair. {i used to be a huge fan of jon&kate+8...until they got famous and went loony.}

the bachelor. jake chose vienna? something is seriously wrong in this world. to put it in the loving words of my friend kristine, she is a cross-eyed man that is in love with her dad. true dat. {i can't believe i watched the whole painful thing. there's nothing else on tv on monday nights. whats a girl to do?}

sheesh. for someone who loves tv so much, i sure hate it a lot.

one more thing... 

i keep getting these ridiculous emails from scammers in africa who think i am dumb enough to just go deposit money into an account and send them a copy of my id. ok genius. i think i might just do that.

i'm contemplating writing them back and toying with them a little bit. it could be funny. i'll let you know how it goes.

winner winner!

are you just a little bit sad this is over?
i am.
only because it was so much fun to read all your comments!
over 500 of them! thats insane, people!
thank you so much for reading and playing.
i wish you all could win.
but sadly, there can only be one.
{maybe we should play again, when my brain isn't fried.}
honestly, i think i learned a lot about myself.
seeing as how i had to spend my day thinking about what I could post.
and i found myself thinking about my past, my present, even my future.
and i realized there are some qualities i would be embarrass to post.
and i found places in my life that I can work on.
and things that make me most happy.
that being said....
i know what you all are really waiting for.
not my cheesy narrations.
so without further ado...

 Congratulations Brekke! :)

send me your address to kaliandwade@gmail.com

also-the size you would like your boston t-shirt.