dear porter,

last week
we received a card in the mail.
a thank you card.
from some anonymous person
who received a donation
from you.
a tendon for their knee.
which made it possible for them
to have full use of their leg restored.

it's hard to believe that there is someone
out there
walking around with your tendon
in their knee.
i like knowing that a part of you
is still living,
moving,
and functioning...

christmas was supposed to be different this year.
my first christmas home in 3 years.
i was so excited to be with everyone again.
christmas will definitely be different.
but not in the way i hoped.
mom was going through the ads
last sunday
and broke down
at the thought that there would be
no boxers this year.
no white t-shirts.
no music gadgets.
that we would never be buying you
another christmas gift.

and while i was picking out t-shirts
for cooper and jordan,
i didn't even have to double check myself.
i automatically knew i needed to buy 2.
not 3.
and usually i have to remind myself
that 3 is one too many.
but this time,
it was normal.
without a thought.
which, i think means,
i'm getting used to the idea
that you really are gone.
and i don't like it.

everyone told us that time would heal us.
make it easier.
make us feel better.
but i beg to differ.
we aren't healed.
we don't feel better.
there is a lingering sadness
that follows us everywhere we go
all day.
time isn't healing us.
it's just teaching us how to wake
up every single day and
keep moving.
the pain is still there.
we are just getting better at dealing with it.

i miss you little brother.
merry christmas.