dear porter,

i just walked into the room
to hear a song wade was listening to
playing on the computer.
it was keane (hamburg song).
your favorite band.
and i broke down.
and wade let me cry on his shoulder
while we listened to the rest of it together.
the words hit hard.
but probably not in a way the song was meant for.

i remember all those times
i heard keane music
blaring out of the computer speakers,
blaring out of the car speakers,
blaring out of your cd player,
and i remember all those times
i told you to turn it down,
turn it off.
because keane annoyed the heck out of me.
because i heard it so much.
but now, i wish i could hear it blaring
out of anything of yours.
it reminds me of you.
and i'll never stop listening to it.

remember that time you came to walmart with me?
and you begged me to buy you the new coldplay cd, x&y?
and i was surprised.
i don't know why...
you just seemed so young.
too young to care about music.
but i bought it for you anyway.
and i think around that time,
you started to discover your musical talents.
and we started to realize just how good you really were.
and you dreamed of being famous,
of making it big one day.
there is no doubt in my mind that
you would have.

i talked to mom yesterday.
she's been reading a book
about the spirit world.
and she told me how close you really are.
and wade gave me a blessing last night.
he said that you loved me.
that you were so happy.
that you loved what you were doing.
but you were excited to be with us again.
i know you're here.
but it just feels like you're only half way here.
does that make sense?

sometimes i wish i would have known.
had time to prepare,
had time to say good-bye.
but i maybe think it was better this way.
i just wish i still had your texts in my phone.
the rest of the family does.
locked and safe.
the very day you died,
i was deleting my old text messages,
and i scrolled past yours
and had a strong impression to not delete them.
of course i brushed it off.
of course i thought to myself,
why would i keep these?
and of course,
i'm kicking myself.

i've been thinking a lot lately about our "lasts"
you know, texts, hugs, phone calls...
and i am so grateful i came to utah in january.
it was just a whim.
just a silly whim.
a funny surprise to show up on the doorstep.
but what if i hadn't?
you wouldn't have met miles.
you wouldn't have shared in-n-out fries with me.
you wouldn't have thrown miles's diaper away at the gas station
for me, even though it disgusted you to touch it.
you wouldn't have shown me your band's music while i sat on your bedroom floor.
you wouldn't have asked me where you could buy a cool plaid shirt.
you wouldn't have stayed up late with me, cracking jokes and goofing off.
you wouldn't have watched the biggest loser with me and made fun of it the whole time.
i wouldn't have any "last" memories...
because i wouldn't remember the last time i saw you.

but i remember because you drove me to the airport with mom.
january 22nd.
probably around 11pm.
and you sat in the front seat.
and when we pulled up to the curb,
you got out to hug me.
and that was it.

anyway, little brother,
i still miss you.
i think about you everyday.
we all do.

love you.

hamburg song
by keane

i don't want to be adored
i don't want to be first in line or make myself heard
i'd like to bring a little light
to shine a light on your life
and make you feel love

no, don't wanna be the only one you know
i wanna be the place you call home

i lay myself down, to make it so
but you don't want to know
i give much more
than i'd ever ask for

will you see me in the end?
or is it just a waste of time?
trying to be your friend?
just shine, shine, shine,
shine a little light
shine a light on my life
and warm me up again.

i wonder if you know yourself at all.
you know that it could be so simple.

i lay myself down, to make it so
but you don't want to know
you take much more
than i'd ever ask for

say a word or two to brighten my day
do you think that you could see it your way?

to lay yourself down, to make it so
but you don't want to know
you take much more
than i'd ever ask for


susette said...

Tonight you asked me if "Dear Porter" letters were going to get old to people? I say absolutely not!! They bring me such warmth, peace, comfort, and of course tears. Every time I read what you write it's almost as if Porter is sitting right here by my side reading them with me. Please don't ever stop. I love you so much Kali and appreciate your sweet feelings of tenderness toward your little brother. He really loved you a lot too!

Frosty said...

Oh Kali, I had to stop reading to clear my eyes a few times. I agree w/ your mom, I do not tire of reading these sweet sentiments. I will continue to pray for your family, you've moved into my heart.

Prayers from KC,

Roxy and Tommy said...

It makes me cry too. I love to read anything you write, but reading these makes me feel like nothing in my life is as hard or bad as it seems. If you can be normal and sweet and a happy Momma, so can I. No matter what happens. Thank you for writing these. Love you!

the weisenburger life said...

I love your letters and it's the first thing that I look for every day when signing on. Thanks for your healing words. Stay strong. You and your family are incredible!

Jacki said...

in the years that i have known cooper, and being brittanys aunt, i feel somewhat of a connection with your entire family now. i know it sounds weird, but i feel like i have known "the fisher family" forever and the connection has grown since the day of porters passing.
please don't stop writing these wonderful "dear porter" letters because they touch my heart.

Jillian said...

Please don't stop your thoughts. Just like the impressions you receive, there is a bigger reason for them :)

Love and prayers to you my dear.

Emo Henshaw said...

I LOVE reading these letters. PLEASE don't stop writing them. I love how real you tell your thoughts and feelings. Thank you for sharing them. I seriously love it.

LyndiLou said...

I'm with everyone else... these are perfect. They are so raw and real... and they help me remember the important parts of life. Thank you for being so brave and sharing this beautiful piece of yourself. *hugs*

LL said...

Please don't ever stop the letters. I really look forward to reading your words to him.
SUCH an amazing picture of Porter, love it!