9.27.2009

just because

i love my lamp.
IMG_5281

also, i'm feeling down today. which happens once in a while. and I think it's ok to talk about. (sometimes i find myself thinking that so many other people have better lives than i do, because their blogs make their lives look amaaaaazing. and that's not real life.)
we've had a string of bad luck lately. and it's just that. bad luck. I think I try to find blame for everything that ever happens. It's because in my mind, their has to be a reason. It's just how I make sense of things. It's logical to me. Actions have consequences. One thing causes another. BUT, when I can't find a logical reason for the bad things that happen to us, I tend to wonder what it is that we did to deserve this. For example, remember when I was having a bad day? You should know it was because of the following reasons:
*we got towed, yet again, in the same week. TWO TIMES in one week, people. When we were trying so hard...it couldn't be avoided. What more can you do when you read the street signs seventeen times and debate for a half an hour whether it is ok to park there?
*along with the towing, we got THREE tickets that same week...for parking. (is there a criminal record for street parking? because we probably have one by now.)
*miscommunications between wade's school and wells fargo caused our loan money to get rejected. then we fought them and got it back. then the money still never came. more miscommunications and wells fargo took the money back as a payment. so we fought again. and now we're still waiting...and it's very unsettling.
*and the one that is bothering me the most happened today and I just can't get over it. I'm the ward chorister. I lead the music in sacrament meeting. It might not seem like a big deal, but I cried for a week when I got this calling. I'm deathly afraid of standing in front of people! It took me 3 months to get to the point where I could lead the music without my hand shaking and feeling like I was going to pass out. (those who know me well, know this is a VERY big deal to me.) It was just something I finally had to overcome. And I'm not going to say that there aren't times when this still happens to me. Well, someone at church today felt it necessary to come up to me and tell me that I was "making the whole congregation uncomfortable" by where I was standing and by my "lack of communication" with the pianist. He continued on for a long time, telling me everything that I should do differently, and I just stared at him in awe. SERIOUSLY? and then I walked away from him without saying a word, and burst into tears. Never mind that I have never met this man in my life and never spoken a word to him. But apparently this has been going on for weeks now, and he just couldn't keep quiet any longer. There are so many things I could say to defend myself right now. But it's pointless. I don't need to defend myself or justify my actions or the way I do things. It's what works best for me and the pianist and he doesn't know me or my situation or how hard it is for me to do. So I'm choosing to ignore it. But that doesn't mean that I'm not deeply offended and embarrassed.

and so, I'm feeling down. but I'm also learning that there doesn't have to be a reason for everything. I'm not being punished. There are trials we must go through to learn lessons and become better people. But I also think that it's not always like that. I think there are people who offend us, parking tickets that make us mad, and miscommunications that mess everything up. and it's not anyone's fault. Life just...happens.


"...our Heavenly Father and the Savior live and that They love all humanity. The very opportunity for us to face adversity and affliction is part of the evidence of Their infinite love. God gave us the gift of living in mortality so that we could be prepared to receive the greatest of all the gifts of God, which is eternal life. Then our spirits will be changed. We will become able to want what God wants, to think as He thinks, and thus be prepared for the trust of an endless posterity to teach and to lead through tests to be raised up to qualify to live forever in eternal life." -Henry B. Eyring

15 comments:

Miriam said...

Oh my gosh! How RUDE!!! I am speechless by this person's rudeness, that is all I can say.
So, I am free now- let's hang out this week! No work!

The Rowburys said...

I'm sorry you guys are having bad luck these days! I know that feeling! We have had bad luck from the moment we got married! Seriously! I had to go to the hospital on our honeymoon, and I got mono two weeks later! For reals! I think that you have the right attitude about it! Things just happen and sometimes we can't find a reason for it. In the end Heavenly Father knows what we can and cannot handle. Knowing that He won't give me a trial that I can't handle makes me feel better. Even if you think you can't deal anymore, you know somehow you can. You are a strong woman! Oh and I agree with Miriam, completely speechless!

The Rowburys said...

PS. Your lamp is really adorable!!! I love it!

Tina said...

Oh, I am SO mad at that guy who criticized your choristering!? The nerve! If you makes you feel any better, I never even look at the chorister, and I doubt that 90% of the congregation does...so hang in there and ignore Mr. Rude!! And good luck with the parking and loan situation...sounds like a nightmare!! But you definitely have the right attitude and definitely have an adorable lamp!! I totally need one of those!!

Two Little Mittons said...

I do the same thing when I read other people's blogs. I think "wow they have such a great, fun life." Now, I really only read yours and people in my family. You are definitely one that I always think, "dang I wish I had a fun exciting life like them". The grass is always greener on the other side my dear. I pretty sure we all feel like that sometimes. P.S. That guy is gay. You should have told him to go stand up there and do it better. Love you! You always make me smile when I read your blog.P.P.S I don't know if you remember but when we worked at that wonderful Wingers you gave me your CTR ring randomly I don't know why, but I still where it. It is pretty banged up and definitely not a circle anymore. Hope you don't miss it!

Felt Family said...

Kali--I think you and I should be better friends. Because Malcolm and I have the same WEIRD, CRAZY, MISUNDERSTOOD, UNNECESSARY BAD LUCK! Like--out stupid business that isn't make enough sales, and then the AMEX cuts our credit line for no reason which causes us need to get a loan, then when we go to the bank someone took out a fruadulent charge on malcolm's credit that happens to be a 5000$ student loan that hasn't been paid for 2 years which makes malcolm's credit below 500 which means we CAN'T get a loan which means we are just stressed about now even more, then the A/C breaks in the back room of our store, the we get screwed on the order of our shoes, then the other malls take the good stores, then we get in a car accident, then the people above have a leak that collapses our bathroom ceiling that our insurance won't pay for, then McKay gets a bug bite that will require a special 100 dollar antibiotic, then Malcolm doesn't get to go on his onsite, then the internet business somehow looses 400 dollars which then gets deducted from our account which has our insurance payment bounce which happens to be the same week that I go to the GYNO to get my IUD out which in turn causes the 500$ payment to be 100% my responsibility.
And it just keeps going.
But you're right--we pray every night and pay a full tithing and Malcolm and I just think we need to be humbled because we've been blessed so much and maybe the Lord is just conditioning us for better times--times in which we will be VERY GRATEFUL!! So, from one unlucky sucker to another unlucky sucker! THINGS WILL CHANGE!! listen to the taylor swift song--change. it always makes me feel better.

Lisa said...

I have these kind of feelings and days often... I'm sending a kindred spirit vibe your way. *companionable sigh* *hugs*

Here is my fav quote for days/patches like this. Although yours from a prophet is on a higher plane, I love some phrases from this one, and I chant "blunders and absurdities" and "don't be cumbered" over and over to myself just to get through some days. Hope it helps:

"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This day is all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on yesterdays." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yea! What he said! Unless Yesterday is a fun story about laughing in the rain....or the last gorgeous day of an Indian Summer... then relive it often!

Jenn said...

Oh Hon Hon (that really is a hideous name, i'm sorry I ever gave it to you) I am crying a little right now becuase I love you and miss you. I am sorry about your bad luck! That stinks the most. I say kick that guy in the knee caps and keep on dancing in the rain :) (literally and figuratively)

tHe GrAy Fam said...

Like some of the previous comment-ers... We seem to have a string of bad luck.. since well.. we've been married too.. there seems to be a trend going here! For instance (to make you feel better).. we went to refi our house and found out we can't because some weirdo forged stephens signature on our original loan papers making it so we have a 3 year prepayment penalty.. so we're stuck... there are numerous other instances that seem to happen randomly that just suck.. but then I sit back and think.. it could always be worse.. ie: death, death of family members, not being able to pay ANYTHING.. and then i smack myself cause I don't want to jinx us.. yeah i'm a rambling idiot here but seriously.. don't feel bad.. you're most definatley not the only one.. and funny story, i was thinking the other day how lucky you are that you get to be over in boston taking in the sites of the east coast... I think people post only the fun and exciting things!

P.S. Your a better person than me.. i would have told that guy where to shove it cause frankly what a JERK!

LyndiLou said...

You are SUCH a beautiful and strong person! Way to be so brave and choose to be kind! I wish more people knew how rude it is to gve critism when it isn't asked for. It's just mean... way to ignore it! You're great! I love you... and think you are just wonderful... and I hope in some little way that helps you feel better!

PS Thaks for sharing that awesome quote!

The Searle Family said...

Kali, that was just the best post. Not that you hare feeling down and I am so sorry about all the tickets and that MAN!! Oh i just want to yell at him, who does he think he is? I loved the quote. I sure do miss you and hope you are doing good.

Rhonda said...

Kali, me Rhonda... here in CT.... your mom will be here in a few weeks and everything will be fine. But seriously, the guy in church... do as they do in the East, tell him to "kiss my ass!"

Sorry, couldn't resist! I mean, honestly, who cares already? The guy is arrogant. Maybe someone should direct the bore to your blog.

Hang in there.

...and as that silly little Sesame Street song goes, "...chirp, chirp, chin up...chirp, chirp, chin up..." remember that goofy tune?

Rhonda said...

I meant, for that "...who cares already?" to be directed at the man and his misguided comment. Not towards you!

Stevo and Annie said...

Kali...I love the picture of your lamp! You are definately a photographer! Your post was great to read. I love how you are so honest. Let's get together sometime and vent about Boston:)

Ms. Berg said...

I would have told him that he's leading next week. Who even follows the chorister anyways? the music starts and you start singing, it's not brain surgery. or maybe it is for him. hmph.