i saw this quote on pinterest and i thought, "what the! this is totally me!  dang that stupid picture in my head for ruining everything!"
because i have this idea of how things are supposed to be.
and when its not that way, i sort of let myself feel down.
i sometimes feel like i've wasted so much time feeling inadequate instead of actually living.
i'm constantly looking for something that will make me feel like life is going the way i thought it was supposed to.

after we didn't have a baby, we thought about building a house. we got really excited about it and then realized it wasn't the best choice for us.  we don't even know where we are going to be in 2 years after wade gets licensed and we don't want to get stuck with a house if we have to move somewhere for a job.  then i thought about going to school because i feel like my 90 credits are just a waste.  but to start a new major all over again would take me 2-3 years, and if i go to a private school and do it quicker, it would cost 25,000 dollars (what the!) plus, there's the fact that i hardly see my family as it is, how can i possibly have time to go to class, work, and be with miles during the day. it's impossible.  so i feel like we are stuck in this transition stage where all we can do is wait.  and in the meantime, i have GOT to find a way to stop wishing away my life and just enjoy it as it is.  because i can tell you one thing, i felt this exact same way when we were in boston, and now i miss it more than anything.  and another thing?  maybe the way things were "supposed to" happen, and didnt, are good things.  because i married the most perfect person for me.  someone who treats me so well and takes such good care of our family.  someone who took me across the country and gave me an experience i wouldn't trade for the world.  someone who gave me the sweetest and most precious little boy.  and we don't have a house.  and we aren't rich.  and we don't have nice cars.  but maybe someday right?  i'm just trying to force myself to realize that those things aren't important.  and that there are some things that i just have no control over.  and that's hard for a person who feels like they have to constantly have a plan.  but there are things i can control, and that's working on myself.  being a better person. having more patience with miles. getting more sleep. treating people kinder.  eating healthy.  exercising.  being optimistc. and that's got to make me feel better than owning a house or being rich any day. so my new year's resolution?  celebrate and appreciate the small progress i make despite my shortcomings. and when the day is over, instead of thinking about everything i should have done, i will remember the things i did do and give myself a round of applause, like miles does when he is proud of himself (only, i will do it in my head. because it's only cute when a 2 year old does it).


LL said...

i think we are the same person! We certainly do think alike. I have had to teach myself to let go of the Fairytale (it's a daily lesson for me) I just always thought that if I lived right life would be perfect.
My life is great, as is yours, but not perfect...and each day I would strive to have everything perfect and feel disappointed because it wasn't. But when you stop and look at all the good in your world...it's amazing how that changes things.
Sounds like you've got the right idea for the year ahead...it's all in your attitude. You're going to have a great year!
You're adorable--HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Kayleigh said...

Oh man, you described me! I am always wishing things away or waiting for the next big thing...and I really hate that I waste days away doing that. I have tried so hard lately to love the little things and appreciate every day. And I'm not very good at it yet. You are not alone! I can tell you that you are just adorable and your family is so cute. Great resolution and know I'm working on it right with you!

Kristine L. said...

I totally know what you mean! It is so easy to base your happiness off of things that are going to happen in the future. I always used to say, "when Jordan graduates", "when we have a baby", "when we have a house". Now we have those things, but there are still challenges that come. I think you are definitely on the right track though. Sometimes taking a step back and seeing all of the great things you DO have puts everything back into perspective. Thanks for the reminder!

Mal said...

I haven't read your blog for awhile, so sorry about the miscarriage. Such a hard thing to go through. Babies really are miracles. I love this quote that you put up! I have learned so much from my current situation. We are trying to sell our house so we can move into my dream home. I have learned that it doesn't matter where we live as long as I have my family. Even though I so desperately want to live in that other house, I will be ok if we live in our tiny house forever. Oh and I loved Miles' birthday pictures, my daughter's birthday cake looked very similar lol!

ellen said...

You're on the right track. :)