{holga. north end. may 2010}

sometimes my heart hurts for boston.
and sometimes we kick ourselves for ever leaving.
and sometimes i just kick wade (but it has nothing to do with boston, or leaving.)
maybe i will just always want what i can't have.
because probably if we ever move back there, i will just want to be here.
imagine living inside my brain. its rough up there, people.

lucky

mommyhood is... well, it's hard.
and it's never as hard as you think it is until you are one.
when i found out i was pregnant with miles, i didn't think my life was going to change that much.
maybe i was selfish in my reasoning, but i just thought he would be my little sidekick.
kind of like a little doll that i would take every where with me.
he would be a good sleeper.
a good eater.
he would never cry.
never be unhappy.
obviously my expectations were a little high.
and obviously my expectations were shot to heck.
because he wasn't just a little doll that went everywhere with me.
he was a human being.
that was a HORRIBLE sleeper.
a HORRIBLE eater.
cried all the time.
had acid reflux.
dairy allergies.
ear infections.
and one insane momma.

really, the first 3 months were terrible.  i loved my baby.  but i didn't love my new life.  it didn't revolve around my wants or needs anymore.  it revolved around his.  and that's when you have to give up your freedom.  and that was really, really hard for me.  and maybe this isn't how it worked for all you other moms out there.  maybe i am just a bad mother who let her baby grow up watching tv (sometimes a lot) because she needed some time to just be herself again.  

so why am i telling you this?

because i can finally say that i love being a mom.

has it taken me a year and a half? yes.

the change has been gradual.

and don't get me wrong. it's not like i've been waking up every morning thinking to myself, "wow. i really hate this."  i have always loved my baby. he is my pride and joy.  it's the change in lifestyle that was hard.  it's waking up all hours of the night.  it's getting ready to be somewhere 2 hours ahead of time because there is a diaper bag to be packed, a baby to be fed, clothed, and clothed again. and then the explosive diaper right as you're walking out the door.  and the carseat and the stroller and the snacks and the toys.  and planning your errands around naptime.  and planing your cleaning around naptime.  and just really trying to do anything during naptime when all you want to do is nap yourself.

but i've finally got it figured out.
not perfectly.
but miles and i, we have a routine.
we've figured each other out.
and it's working and i love it.
and this can happen:

or this.
or this.
and i can just laugh.

because there's moments when he comes running to me and just wants a hug.  and moments when he says a word that i've been trying to teach him for weeks. and moments when he learns how to blow a kiss.  and moments when i go into his room late at night and just hold him.

moments where i realize i love him more than i could ever love anything in this world.

and yesterday i was watching him play and babble to himself and blow kisses and wave bye to the rocket on little einsteins and i just felt so overwhelmed. because i don't know what i did to deserve him in my life. and i feel a little inadequate to be raising such a perfect little guy.  but i do know that he makes me want to be a better person.  and basically my point is

i just feel so lucky.

every person on the planet should own this cookbook.
it has changed my life.
that might sound funny to you....
but i was in a SERIOUS rut.
a very SERIOUS RUT.
i basically never wanted to cook again.
and then 2 months ago i decided it was time for a change.
so i splurged from the monthly budget and bought this cookbook.
(and it's not really even that big of a splurge, people.)
and if i was a millionaire, i would buy it for every person i know.

i went from cooking... well, never.
to cooking almost every night.
these recipes are EASY PEASY lemon squeezy (i had to.)
and they tell you what side dishes to make with them.
and did i mention... delicious?!
go buy it. right now. (i got mine at deseret book, but if you can wait long enough for it to ship to you, amazon has it for cheaper. personally, i wouldn't wait. ha.)
your husband will be happy you did.

p.s. have you checked out my photography blog lately? lots of new, fun stuff!

lotion

miles's latest and greatest adventure involved a bottle of baby lotion while his momma was in the shower.  he came to me all wet and i thought maybe he had spilled water or something on himself.  nope.  just a bottle of lotion.  all over him and all over the living room. oh and all over daddy's xbox controller.  that was pretty awesome.

and if you're sick of these posts about the messes miles makes (say that 10 times fast), then stop reading my blog... because i hear it only gets worse.

miles got his first real boo boo...

and he's obviously not very happy about it...

he took a plunge after trying to step from grandma's porch by himself and landed right on his face. poor little guy. :(

toilet paper confetti

i can't let this little boy out of my sight for 2 seconds.
i came down the hallway to find this:

 and then, this:

that is a boy on a mission.  he is clearly off to find his next destructive activity, while i am cleaning the previous one. and that is basically our schedule every day.

one time i saw kobe bryant

at disneyland.
and i chased him down like the paparazzi.
we were walking miles around while he napped.
we took a pathway to the side to avoid some crowds.
we saw a lot of disneyland workers casually walking in groups.
and then i saw a tall, black man with sunglasses and a hood.
and i would recognize that face anywhere because my brother is obsessed with him.
(me, on the other hand... not a huge fan.)
BUT he is famous.
so i whispered to wade, "that's kobe bryant! give me the camera!"
and i went chasing after him.
and wade says i blew his cover.
because i started taking a million pictures of him.
and then the other people around realized who it was.
i followed him over to the "it's a small world" ride.
and watched him jump in front of the entire line.
and ride in his very own boat.
and i waited at the end of the ride.
well some stupid security guard told me to stop taking pictures.
and shoved his hand in front of my camera.
and that ticked me off more than anything.
so i yelled at him.
me. kali poulsen. the non-confrontational, obey all authority, kali poulsen.
yelled at a security guard.
and wade thought i was going to get kicked out of disneyland,
the happiest place on earth.
and the moral of the story is:
i could never be paparazzi.
its just too much pressure.
(that, and its hard to take pictures when someones HAND is in front of your lens.)
here is my crappy proof:

fried clams

this is a story about fried clams.
not the kind of fried clams that you would eat at a quaint little crab shack on the harbor.
(well...i wouldn't, but some people do) irrelevant.
anyway, this story is about a different kind of fried clams.
pay attention and you might figure it out.
when i was little, my family went on a vacation to california.
we went to the beach.
i gathered seashells.
i put them in a paper cup.
i took them home with me.
i accidentally left them in the car.
they sat in the hot, california sun all day.
then next morning, as my dad was loading up the luggage,
he discovered a foul smell.
he searched the vehicle for the offending item.
and lo and behold, he found my paper cup of seashells.
only they weren't just seashells.
they were live clams.
well they used to be, at least.
and they had been fried. in the car.
and needless to say, my family wasn't very happy.
seeing as they had to make the 13 hour drive back to utah
in a car that smelled like rotten clams.
the end.