motherhood #6

by Brooke:

When Tenney was about 4 days old, I had a touching experience. 
My grandma called and was asking how everything was going.  She was congratulating me and wishing me the best.  She then said something to the effect of, "Just think about how such a short while ago she was up in heaven getting ready to come down.  The angels were saying to her, We don't want you to go, but we know you have such a great opportunity to go to such a wonderful family who has the gospel in their lives." 
Although I'm aware of where we come from before this life, what my grandma was saying hit me like a ton of bricks.  My sweet little girl was so close to the veil.  She had so recently come to our family from our Heavenly Father.  So pure.  So innocent.  So precious.  Realizing this brought tears to my eyes as I truly understood what a gift I had been given.  How could I ever fully show my gratitude for this tender spirit?  All I can do is try my best to raise her righteously and properly.

"Be a Mother who is committed to loving her children into standing on higher ground than the environment surrounding them.
Mothers are endowed with a love that is unlike any other love on the face of the earth."
— Marjorie Pay Hinckley

dear porter,

it's been 2 months, today.

i took this picture the day you died.
probably about 4 hours before.
i had just gotten miles's new bumbo in the mail.
and i brushed his hair in a comb-over and i thought it was funny.
i think a lot about that day.
how it could have been just like any other day.
it was just like any other day.

i hung out all afternoon at home with miles.
we had some errands to run.
and we needed to go out to walmart in quincy,
but we waited for wade to come home.
i remember i was kind of grumpy that evening.
not like a mean grumpy,
just a little moody.
but not really sure why.

on our way to walmart,
we passed a taco bell.
wade and i were starving,
so we decided to stop and eat real quick.
i remember an old lady
eating all by herself.
and i felt so bad for her.
and i wondered if her husband had died.
and i wanted to go sit with her.
but i felt dumb, so i didn't.
i should have.
then miles dropped his binky on the dirty floor.
and a bunch of annoying teenagers came in.
and i was in a hurry to leave.

and during that time, you had fallen.
as i sat there eating a quesadilla,
you were laying at the base of a cliff.
my little brother,
lifeless.
and i was in a taco bell.
and i didn't know.

then we waited in long lines at walmart.
it was way busy.
and we had to return something.
so we waited for like a half hour.
and the whole time i waited in that line,
you were already gone.
the whole time i looked at mini-muffin tins,
and diapers,
and baby socks,
and malt-o-meal cereal.
stupid things that don't matter.
(ok, maybe the diapers mattered...}
but it just bugs me so much,
that i carried on my normal routine,
not knowing.

mom called me at midnight that night.
i had already gone to bed at 10,
which was weird for me.
i didn't answer my phone when she called.
wade finally answered because he was still up.
he woke me up and handed me the phone.
and all i heard was panic.
i told mom to do cpr.
it was the only thing that came to my mind.
i told her to do cpr over and over.
and she just kept saying she couldn't.
and she said, "please call grandma."
and i was left to cry.
harder than i've ever cried in my life.
so hard i couldn't breathe.
and i asked wade to pray.
i told him to pray and ask for a miracle.
ask for you to be ok.
we both know you're ok.
just not the kind of ok i was hoping for.

i wonder if you watched us.
if you saw us in pain.
if you saw us crying
and hurting that day.
i wonder if, even in your happy state,
you still felt a little bit sad for us.
sad for what we were feeling.
sad that you weren't with us anymore.
and i wonder if you miss us.
or if you are so close
that you don't need to miss us
and we just don't realize it.

love you.

motherhood #5

by Mckenna:

I have over 50 kiddios
10 aged 0-6 | 9 aged 2-3 | 20+ aged 2-6 | & 30 aged 3-12
I am an aunt | a pre-school teacher | a daycare provider | & a primary song leader.

I am not a Mother, but I know that you don't have to give birth to a child, in order to be one.

Children bring me such an incredible amount of joy and satisfaction. There is nothing more rewarding than knowing that I have the capacity in my heart to love each and every one of them for who they are and desire the best for their lives and future.

I love their personalities, the way they talk, the things they say, their chubby fingers, the way they say my name, they way they come to me when they get hurt. I love their strengths, I love their weaknesses. I love it when they cry when their feelings are hurt and how easy it is to make them feel better with a snuggle. I love it when they whine for whatever reason and absolutely do not not get away with it with me. I love to tease them and tickle their chicken-legs and sides hearing them giggle relentlessly until I let go, moments later coming back to me wanting me to tickle them more. I love it when they are shy or flirty, I love it when they smile and their eyes light up. I love their squishy diaper butts, and their excitement when they go pee pee in the "paaahty," even if they just do it because the others are doing it. I love it when they are kind to each other and how forgiving they are of each other.

Children's determination, curiosity and faith is unbelievable. They are so willing to try anything independently and to never give up until they've accomplished it, well all until it comes to opening their own snacks it's pretty immediate that they ask for help. Funny how that is.

There are no words that can express the love I have for children. I love knowing that I can be that one person they remember from their childhood. I am so grateful for their effect on me as a can't-wait-to-be-mother, the things I have learned from them, and the chance they have given me to love in a capacity I never thought possible.

the beach

we took miles to the beach for his first time.
it was kind of a rough day for him.
we learned that beaches are not baby-friendly.
especially east coast beaches,
because the water is freezing.
we put his little feet in the water and he cried.
and we felt really bad.
so we let him play in the sand.
which he loved,
only then he tried to eat it.

{crane beach, ipswich ma}

motherhood #4

by Roxy:

Being a mom has made me realize that the things in life that are the most challenging are the things that are the most worth living for.

Tommy (and the one on the way- to remain nameless to most people) has challenged me in ways that I never thought possible. But the motherhood experience has also fulfilled me in ways that I never thought possible.

I am now amazingly functional off of 2-3 hours of sleep.

I now know how to do more than 3 things at one time with 2 hands.

I can change a diaper in 15.9 seconds- Enough time to avoid getting peed on. Most of the time.

These little victories are the most awesome of all. Overcoming the challenges of sleep deprivation, pee soaked clothes and multi-tasking. These are the joys of motherhood.
It no longer matters if I sleep. Or eat. Or shower (gross). As long as he is happy and all his needs are met, nothing else really matters to me.

I could list all of the things that I gave up to be a mom, but I would rather focus on the many, many things that I have gained.

Selflessness is something that I have magically adopted. Anyone who knew me before and knows me now can tell you that sometimes I neglect myself. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. I now know how to put someone else’s needs before mine and that feels SO much better than sitting in a comfy massage chair while having my feet rubbed and toenails painted.

I have also learned so many nifty ways to live. To get more bang for my buck, I guess you could say. When keeping in mind all the many expenses of having children, it is easy to pass by the things in the grocery store that we always want but never need. Like pop tarts or Charms suckers, and replace the space in your cart with some carrot sticks or broccoli crowns that are on sale 3lbs for a dollar!

I have learned to have patience. Having a little child that is so innocent (OK when he was a baby he was innocent) makes you think twice about being angry or frustrated that you can’t get things done that need to be done. Or maybe they don’t need to be done that badly. The dishes in the sink can wait, and the laundry can be folded later. But the first smile and laugh only happen once. I can wait and watch for these things, and know that my patience will pay off.

I have also learned to watch my stinking language. It is amazing the things that a 1-2 year old will repeat. Actually, they hear it, register what it means and in what context to use it, and repeat it. So I have learned a whole slew of euphemisms to use, that don’t even sound anything like the curse words. But it is an outlet for me (the notorious potty mouth) and that is all that counts.

I have learned to love like I never thought I could. I love my child(ren) more than life itself, and no one can ever change that. God bless us mothers!

motherhood #3

by Brekke:

Ever since I was little I knew I wanted to be a mother. My biggest fear was always not being able to have children of my own. I am so blessed to have Crue as my son, and I love him so much. Even though it’s not always easy, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. It’s the hardest job I’ve ever had, but also the most rewarding. Just to see this boy smile or hear him laugh makes my heart melt.

spring in the public garden

i looooooooooove spring in boston!
its so pretty.
tulips and blossoms everywhere.
miles and i went on a little walk to capture it all before it's gone.
{...and the humidity kicks in and we're all miserable.}