project 365

everyone makes lofty new year's goals.
well this one, my friends, is quite lofty.
i am lacking in the photography memory making department.
because i am usually taking the pictures for other people,
i sort of forget to take my own.
and so,
i present to you:

in hopes of forcing me to take my camera out more often,
i will now be posting a picture every day
for a year.
i am scared.

merry christmas

because i am lazy, lacking in postage funds, digitally inclined, here is our christmas card this year. we hope you have a wonderful christmas. we are so grateful to have you for family and friends!

we are so looking forward to this coming year and all it has to offer.
and be excited for a new upcoming project on my blog!

i think i am a bad person.

i laughed at a homeless man.
he came into work, high as a kite.
sat at my table.
smelled up my section.
shouted out profanities.
and said some pretty hilarious things.
oh. and we can't forget.
he rolled a joint.
at my table.

does it make me a bad person that i found the whole situation terribly funny?
even 3 hours later
after he camped out at my section and left me a quarter,
i was still laughing.

december

is making me a crazy woman.
i feel like such a scatter-brain.
i am losing things, and tripping over things and breaking things left and right.
AND today,
i backed into my own husband's car.
(with my new car.
that i haven't even made a car payment on yet.)
then when i got to work,
i broke a glass,
and a plate.
and dropped a whole thing of ranch down the front of me.
and i wanted to cry.
but i already did that when i wrecked my car.
and so i just laughed at how pathetic my day was.
i have lost my mind.
along with my glasses
(which, fyi, makes me walk around in the morning for 3 hours like a zombie because my eyes hurt too much to put my contacts in when i get up. and my eyes are so bad that i really cannot see my child. so at least 16 times a morning, i find myself saying, "oh miles... where are you?"  it's making me much more in tune with my sense of hearing though...)
but the good news is
we found an apartment
(and maybe when we move, i will be able to organize my life a little better because i won't be living out of boxes anymore)
AND
we are going to disneyland next week with wade's family.
we sort of need a break around here.
(and here's one last sentence in parenthesis, because there haven't been enough yet.)

temple square

we braved the cold and went to see the lights at temple square with our friends jake and erin and their cute little kids.  they have a boy named ben and him and miles are destined to be the best of friends. we are loving being in utah for the christmas season!

scary santa

miles's first encounter with santa.

as you can tell, 

he wasn't quite a fan.

dear porter,

last week
we received a card in the mail.
a thank you card.
from some anonymous person
who received a donation
from you.
a tendon for their knee.
which made it possible for them
to have full use of their leg restored.

it's hard to believe that there is someone
out there
walking around with your tendon
in their knee.
i like knowing that a part of you
is still living,
moving,
and functioning...

christmas was supposed to be different this year.
my first christmas home in 3 years.
i was so excited to be with everyone again.
christmas will definitely be different.
but not in the way i hoped.
mom was going through the ads
last sunday
and broke down
at the thought that there would be
no boxers this year.
no white t-shirts.
no music gadgets.
that we would never be buying you
another christmas gift.

and while i was picking out t-shirts
for cooper and jordan,
i didn't even have to double check myself.
i automatically knew i needed to buy 2.
not 3.
and usually i have to remind myself
that 3 is one too many.
but this time,
it was normal.
without a thought.
which, i think means,
i'm getting used to the idea
that you really are gone.
and i don't like it.

everyone told us that time would heal us.
make it easier.
make us feel better.
but i beg to differ.
we aren't healed.
we don't feel better.
there is a lingering sadness
that follows us everywhere we go
all day.
time isn't healing us.
it's just teaching us how to wake
up every single day and
keep moving.
the pain is still there.
we are just getting better at dealing with it.

i miss you little brother.
merry christmas.