1.12.2008

frustration:

[fruh-strey-shuh n] -noun. A feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.

yup...that basically sums it all up right there. But in case you want a longer definition, I think I can explain the feeling a little better.
buckle your seat belts and enjoy the ride. this one's gonna be long.

so just when i think i finally know exactly what i want to do with my life...it all comes crashing down on me. it seems like this happens to me...oh, let's say, every two months. I go through these spurts of feeling ok for a while. And then i realized that those times are just the times that I'm ignoring the truth. Because, to ignore it makes it so I don't have feel it. Thinking too much about what I want from myself, who i am, and how I am letting myself down only furthers my problems, making me dysfunctional. And by functional I mean properly breathing, sleeping, and eating. I can promise you that you don't feel very good when you aren't doing any of those consistently. I'm beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with me. Am I the only person in this world who doesn't know who the heck they are? And trying to figure out who this person is that is occupying my body has become quite the chore. Why? because I can't make up my mind for the life of me. I have problem with making decisions. But then again...maybe that is me. Maybe my personality IS indecision. So where do i go from here? I can' t even begin to explain the frustration I am experiencing at this point in my life. It's physically exhausting. I've never been so close to giving up altogether. But then again, I've never really been a quitter. I've come too far to stop now. School is important to me. I love to learn and I know the importance of education. I want nothing more than to graduate with a useful degree. I want to make a difference. I want to do something that is meaningful to other people. And as cliche as this might sound, I want to leave my mark on this world. The problem is finding the best way to do this. But I'm wondering if it's not so much about helping other people anymore as it is about helping myself. I need to find something that makes ME happy. I want to LOVE what I do. I've been trying to ignore the fact that I don't LOVE elementary education. I'm almost ashamed to admit it sometimes. I have tried so hard to go into it with an open mind and a positive attitude. Even then, I am left with a pit in my stomach after every class period...knowing that what I am doing is not what makes me happy (and will DEFINITELY not make some unlucky children in the future very happy either). And as frustrating as this feels, I know that school does not define me. So how do I look beyond that, when it is the one thing that I am focusing my life on at this time? How do I break myself from the feeling that I equal school and thats all there is to my life? There's gotta be more to me than that. I just wish I could remember what it was that made me who I am in the first place. I think I forgot a long time ago. Oh...and I also wish that I could stop crying. My eyes hurt real bad. Oh, the joys of being an emotional freak (aka...girl).

"Same Mistake"
Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars beneath my feet.
Remember rights that I did wrong. So here I go.
hello, hello. There is no place I cannot go.
My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy.
Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me. So here I go.
and so I sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night.
Said he's seen my enemy. Said he looked just like me.
So I set out to cut myself. So here I go.
I'm not calling for a second chance.
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason, but don't give me choice.
Because I'll just make the same mistake again.
And maybe someday we will meet. And maybe talk and not just speak.
Don't buy the promises 'cause there are no promises I keep.
and my reflection troubles me. So here I go.
I'm not calling for a second chance.
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason, but don't give me choice.
Because I'll just make the same mistake again.
Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars.
Look at the starts fall down.
And wonder where did I go wrong?
-James Blunt


2 comments:

Rubi said...

Oh Kali. How I feel for you my friend. I could have written this blog. Well, definitely not as eloquently, but the idea would have been the same. I have a drawing from first grade art class that's titled, "What I want to be when I grow up." I drew a BYU football player. That's still pretty much as close as I've come to deciding what to do with my life....if it makes you feel any better. :) You are not alone amigo. You'll figure it out. Love ya.

Rubi said...

p.s. sometimes i come to your blog and just listen to your good taste in music! lalalalove it!