identity crisis

As most of you know...I'm a little obsessed with my hair. Ok, not even a little. I'm a lot obsessed with my hair. I probably get it done, oh, like every three weeks. Which isn't helping my current situation. Let me explain:

I started highlighting my hair at the age of 11. It gradually became a habit, to the point where it was almost white. So I lived most my life as a blondie until I was about 19. Then it started falling out, breaking off, and burning up. This called for drastic measures...aka I made myself a brunette. Don't get me wrong. Brown is a great color. It's just not me.

So I have brown hair. VERY thin, brown hair. No worries, this can be fixed. The answer to my problems was hair extensions. I originally planned to get a whole head of them to make my hair like a foot longer. Well, that was going to cost like 700 dollars, and suddenly marriage was thrown into the equation. Hair extensions + marriage = poverty. So that didn't happen. Instead, I got my thin hair filled in in the front with just 7 small, innocent hair extensions clamped onto my own hair with a metal bead. Everything was fine and dandy until one day I ripped one out of my head. That hurt. A lot. Then a few days later, I noticed some red little bumps on my scalp where the hair extensions were attatched. I think my scalp was rejecting them. So my good father went to work with some pliers and a thumb tack and saved me the money of having them removed. I thought my hair was thin before...let's talk about all the hair that came out along with those extensions.

So why do I put myself through such ridiculous things? Who even knows? I think it's just because I was not blessed with long, flowing, thick hair. Let's be honest. I was bald until I was three. My mom had to get my ears pierced so people would know I was a GIRL. But it's just hair right? Too bad every time I look at myself in a picture, I don't see me. I want it blonde again...

I just don't want to be a bald woman at my wedding.

we're engaged!

I knew I was going to marry Wade after our first date. It's true. After ignoring an entire hockey game to talk to me, I was hooked. Two weeks later, we were talking about marriage. So it's not like the proposal was a big surprise to me. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, I just didn't know when. I also had picked my ring out, I just couldn't decide if he actually had it in his possession or not.

the ring...
A few days before the actual engagement, Wade and I went to pick out his ring. We went to the same guy who sold us mine. I figured Wade was going to just pick up my ring at the same time. Well, he didn't. And I had no clue he had "gone to the bathroom" and instead snagged my ring from some hiding place. As we were driving home, I was giving Wade a hard time about taking so long to give my ring to me. I insisted that he should just tell me if he already had it, and I grabbed his pocket just to see. He frantically grabbed my arm and wouldn't let me touch him... Leaving me to wonder if he really had it, or if he just wanted me to think he had it. Lucky for Wade, I didn't feel anything. But he later told me he was sure I had felt the huge box in his pocket.

mind games...
A few days later, I sent Wade a text that said, "I WANT MY RING!!" He continued to send me texts throughout the day that had me so thoroughly confused. At one point, he had me thinking he was for sure going to propose that night. And then at another point, I thought there was no way he would do it. He kept saying things like, "The sooner you get off work, the better. wink wink." And I thought that if he was so adamant about making this a surprise, he wouldn't flat out say something like that. So I was convinced he was just trying to throw me off and that he wouldn't do it. Once again, leaving me to wonder if he was really going to propose or if he just wanted me to think that he was going to.

wandering...
Wade came to pick me after work and said he wanted to go for a drive. We set off to no where in particular. Wade isn't very familiar with Orem and I told him he had no idea where he was going. Which proved to be true, because we drove all over the place before we ended up at the Timpanogos Temple. We got out to walk around and immediately it started blowing wind like crazy. I was freezing. But the snow on the temple was blowing off the roof and it looked so pretty. So we walked to the front and just looked at it for a minute. Then Wade started saying all this cute stuff like, "I love you...we're getting married here...we're gonna be together forever..." and then he starts fidgeting. And I'm thinking it's for sure about to happen. Nope. He grabs my hand and takes me back to the car.

flowers...
When we get to the car, Wade reaches into the backseat and grabs a bouquet of roses and hands them to me. I asked, "What are these for?" And he told me he felt bad that we had to change the wedding date again. And I had already told him a million times that it was fine. It was weird for him to just randomly give me flowers. Needless to say, I was so confused and getting a little frustrated. So we're driving again, and I'm still stuck on the fact that he gave me flowers for no reason. And he kept giving me silly answers like, "I feel bad that your ring isn't done." and "you're just so beautiful, you deserve them." And he keeps grinning at me so ridiculously! Then he reaches up and turns on the light inside the car. And I finally yell, "Am I missing something here?!" Then I looked at the flowers sitting on the dash and notice a little sparkle coming from the ribbon tied around them.

love...
I remember telling my mom just a few months before I met Wade that I could never understand how you could ever love someone enough to marry them. The idea of love was something I did not comprehend. I've been known to be fickle, a little indecisive, flaky, and confused. But for once in my life, I don't feel like that. For once in my life, I KNOW what I want. I know it with all of my heart. There isn't one ounce of doubt. And it feels good to finally know what that feels like.

I'm so lucky I get to spend FOREVER with Wade. I couldn't ask for anything more.