lucky

mommyhood is... well, it's hard.
and it's never as hard as you think it is until you are one.
when i found out i was pregnant with miles, i didn't think my life was going to change that much.
maybe i was selfish in my reasoning, but i just thought he would be my little sidekick.
kind of like a little doll that i would take every where with me.
he would be a good sleeper.
a good eater.
he would never cry.
never be unhappy.
obviously my expectations were a little high.
and obviously my expectations were shot to heck.
because he wasn't just a little doll that went everywhere with me.
he was a human being.
that was a HORRIBLE sleeper.
a HORRIBLE eater.
cried all the time.
had acid reflux.
dairy allergies.
ear infections.
and one insane momma.

really, the first 3 months were terrible.  i loved my baby.  but i didn't love my new life.  it didn't revolve around my wants or needs anymore.  it revolved around his.  and that's when you have to give up your freedom.  and that was really, really hard for me.  and maybe this isn't how it worked for all you other moms out there.  maybe i am just a bad mother who let her baby grow up watching tv (sometimes a lot) because she needed some time to just be herself again.  

so why am i telling you this?

because i can finally say that i love being a mom.

has it taken me a year and a half? yes.

the change has been gradual.

and don't get me wrong. it's not like i've been waking up every morning thinking to myself, "wow. i really hate this."  i have always loved my baby. he is my pride and joy.  it's the change in lifestyle that was hard.  it's waking up all hours of the night.  it's getting ready to be somewhere 2 hours ahead of time because there is a diaper bag to be packed, a baby to be fed, clothed, and clothed again. and then the explosive diaper right as you're walking out the door.  and the carseat and the stroller and the snacks and the toys.  and planning your errands around naptime.  and planing your cleaning around naptime.  and just really trying to do anything during naptime when all you want to do is nap yourself.

but i've finally got it figured out.
not perfectly.
but miles and i, we have a routine.
we've figured each other out.
and it's working and i love it.
and this can happen:

or this.
or this.
and i can just laugh.

because there's moments when he comes running to me and just wants a hug.  and moments when he says a word that i've been trying to teach him for weeks. and moments when he learns how to blow a kiss.  and moments when i go into his room late at night and just hold him.

moments where i realize i love him more than i could ever love anything in this world.

and yesterday i was watching him play and babble to himself and blow kisses and wave bye to the rocket on little einsteins and i just felt so overwhelmed. because i don't know what i did to deserve him in my life. and i feel a little inadequate to be raising such a perfect little guy.  but i do know that he makes me want to be a better person.  and basically my point is

i just feel so lucky.