little mr. miles is becoming more opinionated these days. he tells me exactly what he wants and when he doesn't get it....well, let's just say he gets to sit in the corner a couple times a day.  but you wouldn't believe me, looking at these pictures right? :)  today i said, "miles, did you go poo-poo?" and he answered, "no. i not poo-poo"  and then i told him we were going bye-bye and he said, "no. i not bye-bye." and he pointed at the door for me to leave him and his legos alone. ok then.

p.s. i feel like my tailbone is permanently crushing my hip bone. ok, i don't really know how to explain it, but let's just say my butt is going numb and its working its way down my leg. is this normal?! oh pregnancy, how i love thee.

i bet you've been wondering where i've been.
well.  i went to mexico to shoot a wedding.
i'm not still in mexico. (although sometimes i wish i was)
but when i came home from mexico, i found out i was pregnant...
(which is why my brother and sister-in-law so lovingly call our unborn child "baby pedro")
anyway, then the morning sickness kicked in like a week later (more like 24/7 sickness)
and i disappeared to my bedroom to hibernate for 17 weeks.

and now i'm finally feeling better. finally.
well...mostly better.
there was the one day this week where wade found me laying on the bathroom floor convinced i was dying.
but i didn't die. i'm still alive and well.
barely.

because yesterday i decided to do a half marathon that i signed up for back in december.
um...hello. i couldn't bring myself to waste the 60 dollar registration fee.
only, i didn't train for it. i was too busy hibernating remember?
so i walked the entire thing.
and my legs feel like...well, there are no words for what my legs feel like.
i'm just surprised i didn't go into labor.

there is no news in our lives except that i am now 19 weeks pregnant
and the dr. that did my ultrasound couldn't determine the gender.
his exact quote was, "it could go either way."  really? ya think?
also, miles is jibber jabbering away and thinks we should name the baby "hadley"
after his best friend/cousin. (hope you don't mind, aunt tina!)
we are taking him to disneyland soon and praying that he doesn't hate it.
because remember? my child hates fun.

now enjoy some cancun pictures.
and pray that someday the US of A decides to make their diet coke just like the mexicans.
(because really, it is SO much better)

dear porter,

(**i wrote this a year ago, but for some reason or another, i never posted it. today marks 2 years since my little brother left us, but the feelings are still the same.)

it was exactly one year ago,
today,
that we lost you.
that our lives changed forever.
that a giant, gaping hole opened up in our hearts.
and i find myself re-living every moment.
the phone call from mom.
crying so hard on the kitchen floor
that i couldn't breathe.
making phone calls to delta for the first flight out of boston.
standing in the longest line known to man at the airport
avoiding the awkward glances of people staring at me
because i just couldn't stop sobbing.
mom and dad's faces when they opened the front door
that confirmed the whole thing wasn't a crazy dream.
spending a week in a whirlwind,
planning a funeral and viewing,
going through your things.
saying goodbye.
although, i still don't think i've fully said it.
because i still can't believe you're gone.

it's hard not to get angry sometimes.
i hate that we've had to live a whole year without you.
i hate that miles doesn't know you.
that you missed his first steps.
that he will never have cousins from you.
i'm so sick of having giant meltdowns
every time something reminds me of you.
and i do,
i get angry.
and i know that would probably bother you,
but i can't help but feel like it just isn't right.
it's not right that we have to miss you this much.

i will be watching the sky tonight.
because i want to know
what your last sunset looked like.
and i will be visiting dry canyon
because i want to know
what your last breath smelled like.
what the air around you felt like.

love you.

eggs, the flu & tv.

----you know how i work til midnight or later? and i'm like pretty much always tired?  well sometimes i fall asleep during morning cartoons. stop judging me. one lucky morning last week, miles found his way into the fridge and i was awoken by egg yoke running down my shirt.  at first i thought it was orange juice from his sippy, but sadly, i was wrong. i fumbled for my glasses and found death and destruction all over the living room. he broke an entire carton of eggs, one by one, all over the rug, coffee table, couch and floor.  you would think that would have woken me up right? proof i need more zzzzzzzzzzzzzz's in my life.
----we've had a yucky flu bug around here this past week. lame. i'm a terrible wife, but i weirdly like it when wade is sick because he gets to stay home with me.  oh how i love when wade stays home.
----i watched hgtv's "my first place" this weekend, and it just so happened to be in boston. and the girl was looking in the south end, which is where we used to live. oh don't worry, her budget was $700,000 for a 2 BEDROOM apartment. and it still wasn't enough, so she had to borrow MORE from her parents, making the total cost over 900,000 dollars. um yeah. we are never moving back there are we?
----i also watched like 3 episodes of kourtney and kim take new york (yucky flu bug = lots of tv...) and i think kourtney and scott are hilarious.  i feel like everyone hates the kardashians! am i the only one that is ridiculously entertained by them?
----if you follow my photography on facebook, you know that i recently got all set up to do studio photography! hurrah!  i'm doing a special right now until the end of february, so sign up quick! you can read more about it here.

st. george weekend

my mom wanted to run the half marathon in st. george a couple weeks ago, so we decided to go along for a little getaway.  i've been doing my own running training to get read for the utah valley half marathon in june, so i ran my first 5k while we were down there! i think i did it in 33 minutes, which i know is kind of slow. but, considering the most i ran before this was 12 minutes without stopping, i was pretty happy with my time.  i was half expecting to walk most of it. (because seriously people, these shin splints are killing me. i'm getting a little nervous because i've heard some people take 3 months to heal! hello! i can't train without running for three months.)  we had such a fun time with my family and i'm sure they just loved waking up to miles bright and early! bahaha.

we left a little earlier than the rest of the gang, so our weekend began at the hotel with a little carl's jr., some lion king, and some jumping on the bed.

the next morning we woke up to rain (yes, in st. george. booo.) and here i am all finished with my race and still able to jump?! i have no excuse for the way i am standing like a weirdo, but it's probably because i'm freezing and soaking wet.

we layed around all day and napped and then went out to miniature golf at this place with black lights, so it was basically glow in the dark and super fun.  then we played some arcade games, which i haven't done in years. after that, we all went out for mexican food. yum!

we left the next day, but not without stopping to see one of our favorite bostonite friends who just finished school in boston and moved to st. george a little while back.  so happy we got to visit for a little bit and reminisce about the good old boston days. :)

mr. miles at 26 months

in his grandpa sweater that is hilarious and adorable at the same time.

in other news:
**i got my wisdom tooth removed on tuesday. feeling pretty good, but wade says thats just the pain killers talking. and speaking of pain killers and talking, apparently when i woke up, i had some interesting things to say. and i may have told all the receptionists and nurses at the front desk on my way out how much i liked them and how nice they were, at the same time, throwing a fit that i was being pushed in a wheelchair. also? i wanted my tooth back, so i could give it to miles.
**we are going to st. george this weekend for a fun little getaway with my family. my mom is running a half marathon and i will be running a 5k. i gotta start somewhere right? but i'm fairly certain i will be walking my first 5k because my shin splints are about to ruin me.
**did i mention i am shooting a wedding on the beach in cancun next month? i am entirely excited/freaked out/nervous/excited again. because a) i've never been there and i'm terrified of the unknown and b) what if someone steals my camera? i will cry myself to sleep for at least 3 years straight until i can afford to buy another one. and c) i hate leaving my baby. not that he won't be in good hands, because his grandma poulsen will be taking great care of him, but i will just miss him too much. and he probably won't even notice i'm gone. which is a good thing i guess.

i saw this quote on pinterest and i thought, "what the! this is totally me!  dang that stupid picture in my head for ruining everything!"
because i have this idea of how things are supposed to be.

and when its not that way, i sort of let myself feel down.

i sometimes feel like i've wasted so much time feeling inadequate instead of actually living.

i'm constantly looking for something that will make me feel like life is going the way i thought it was supposed to.

after we didn't have a baby, we thought about building a house. we got really excited about it and then realized it wasn't the best choice for us.  we don't even know where we are going to be in 2 years after wade gets licensed and we don't want to get stuck with a house if we have to move somewhere for a job.  then i thought about going to school because i feel like my 90 credits are just a waste.  but to start a new major all over again would take me 2-3 years, and if i go to a private school and do it quicker, it would cost 25,000 dollars (what the!) plus, there's the fact that i hardly see my family as it is, how can i possibly have time to go to class, work, and be with miles during the day. it's impossible.  so i feel like we are stuck in this transition stage where all we can do is wait.  and in the meantime, i have GOT to find a way to stop wishing away my life and just enjoy it as it is.  because i can tell you one thing, i felt this exact same way when we were in boston, and now i miss it more than anything.  and another thing?  maybe the way things were "supposed to" happen, and didnt, are good things.  because i married the most perfect person for me.  someone who treats me so well and takes such good care of our family.  someone who took me across the country and gave me an experience i wouldn't trade for the world.  someone who gave me the sweetest and most precious little boy.  and we don't have a house.  and we aren't rich.  and we don't have nice cars.  but maybe someday right?  i'm just trying to force myself to realize that those things aren't important.  and that there are some things that i just have no control over.  and that's hard for a person who feels like they have to constantly have a plan.  but there are things i can control, and that's working on myself.  being a better person. having more patience with miles. getting more sleep. treating people kinder.  eating healthy.  exercising.  being optimistc. and that's got to make me feel better than owning a house or being rich any day. so my new year's resolution?  celebrate and appreciate the small progress i make despite my shortcomings. and when the day is over, instead of thinking about everything i should have done, i will remember the things i did do and give myself a round of applause, like miles does when he is proud of himself (only, i will do it in my head. because it's only cute when a 2 year old does it).