dear porter,

today was really, really hard.

we went to the funeral home to make arrangements.
we had to choose your casket.
we all just cried while we looked at the choices.
it didn't seem right.
but i think you will like the one we picked.
it's brown, to match the outdoors.

i came down the stairs to see mom folding your laundry.
she washed the last batch today.
she set your jeans on top of the pile
and we wondered what to do with all your clothes.

mom and i went through all your scrapbooks today.
we were picking pictures for your slideshow.
and we remembered the time when you were 6 and you saved up all your money.
you bought your very own foam airplane.
and you were so excited you could barely talk.
and we watched the home video over and over and over again.
and we laughed.
a lot.

we all hung out in your room last night until 3 am.
we looked through your phone.
we thought about who had talked to you last and at what time.
we found all your old pictures,
there were some of your favorite hike,
and one of an orange you had peeled to look like a smiley face
then we pulled out the things in your nightstand
and cried at the goals you had written down for yourself,
and the check that you never cashed.

someone in mom and dad's new ward drew an amazing picture of you.
we can't believe how much it looks like you.
we put it right where we can see it, all the time.
it's just perfect.

any minute now, i feel like you are going to come home.
we are missing you
but don't worry about us.
we have a lot of wonderful people taking care of us.

love you.

 

(pastel by elspeth young)