dear porter,

can i just say that i miss you?
our house seems too quiet.
there used to be 6 of us (8, if you count wade and miles)
and now there is only one less person.
so why does it seem like our family is so small?
how long until we stop looking around and wondering who is missing?

the funeral home has had your body since saturday.
when we last talked to them,
they said we would probably need to do a closed casket viewing.
your poor little body was just too broken up.
but they said we could see you,
if we wanted to.
we debated.
we worried.
we didn't want our last memory of you to be that hard.
but we didn't want to not know.

when we got to the funeral home today,
your casket was already open.
you looked so good, they didn't have to close it.
i'm so happy they were able to fix you.

i met the guys in your band.
they already knew who miles was.
they said you always talked about him.
it made me cry
because miles will never know you in this life.

there is so much left that i wish i could've said to you.
so much more to do.
you were supposed to come see me in boston in a month.
we already bought your plane ticket.

i think that tomorrow will be the hardest day of my life.
i never, ever, thought that i would have to bury my little brother,
especially at the age of 18.
i'm not ready to say goodbye.

love you.