its been a long time since i've written.  almost 2 months.  there has been a lot going on that i've wanted to share, but i just keep coming back to one thing that has completely taken over my thoughts and feelings.  i hesitate to share it because it is such a personal thing.  something people hardly ever talk about.  but it's been a part of my life and i need to write about it.

we have been trying to get pregnant for the last 8 months.  maybe that's not a very long time compared to others.  to me it, it feels like forever, especially considering how miles was such a surprise, we figured it would be a quick process.  almost every month, i buy pregnancy tests in the hopes that one of them will say positive.  finally, in october, i took a test late one night after work and it was positive.  i had a hard time believing it since i had seen so many negative tests the past few months.  we were cautious and didn't tell very many people.  only immediate family and a few close friends.  a few weeks after we found out, i started experiencing a lot of painful cramping.  something didn't feel right, so i called the doctor and went in for an ultrasound.  at this point, i should have been 10 weeks along.  when he did the ultrasound, the baby was only measuring 5 weeks and had no heartbeat.  the doctor told me the only thing i could do is wait a few more weeks and see if there was any progression.  i went back 2 and a half weeks later and the baby had only grown to 6 weeks.  this time there was a heartbeat but it was beating very, very slowly.  also, there was almost no fluid surrounding the baby.  the doctor didn't seem very hopeful, but he told me he had seen babies come back from this and that it was possible for the fluid to build up again.  at this point, once again, all i could do is wait.  i left the office feeling very uneasy.  in my heart, i knew that something was wrong.  that night, november 14th, i started bleeding very heavily and i knew it was over.  the doctor confirmed this at another ultrasound a week later.

i know this is very common.  a nurse told me this happens to every woman, at least once.  but that doesn't make it any easier.  it doesn't make it easier when all you want in this world is a baby.  it was so hard for me to see that little heartbeat, and then know the next day that it was gone.  if anything else though, this whole experience has made me so grateful for the little miracle that is miles.  it has made me a better mom because i want to make the most of all the little moments i have with him, in case this is the only time i will ever get to experience them again.  i took for granted all the appointments i went to and his heartbeat was there.  so many things have to go right to have a healthy and normal child, and i think we forget that because there are so many healthy children born every day.  it truly is a miracle to me.

this is the only picture i have of my baby.  the only time i ever got to see it's little heart beating.  and i feel so weirdly connected to it because it was the one moment where i saw it and knew it was there and alive.

happy halloween!

 love, miles the owl

we don't do scary.

it has become apparent in the poulsen household that we don't do scary.  wade and i just fast forwarded through an entire movie because we couldn't handle it.  how is it that it has taken me three years to learn this about my husband?  here i am, trying to be brave, and he keeps saying, "we don't have to watch this if you don't want to..." and then i finally realize he's saying it because HE doesn't want to.  and i can't figure out what's better.  having a husband that equally hates scary movies so that i never have to watch them? or having a husband that is BRAVE?  i'm kidding. wade is brave.  i have seen him charge out of bed with a giant metal flashlight at the sound of someone at our door in the middle of the night in boston.  or go running up the stairs of a 5 story house when the alarm goes off, not knowing if there is a burglar in the house (also in boston).  so basically, i think i am glad that i have a brave husband and an equally scary movie hater husband.

i will just stick with the cute parts of the coming scary holiday.  you know, the parts where you dress your kid up in ridiculously hilarious costumes and put them on parade for all the neighbors.  and then eat their candy.

(these are our pumpkins from the lovely halloween dinner bash my mom threw tonight. i said i wanted nothing to do with carving the pumpkins (seeing how it's gross and squishy) and somehow i ended up pulling the guts out of 2 and then carving them BOTH.  tell me how that happens, cooper fisher?  in all fairness...i forgot how fun it can be and i mostly just couldn't stop myself.)

on repeat.

loving this cd.

a lot.

can't wait for the concert

and a little girl's night

in t-minus 6 days.

gardner village

a couple of girls from work and i decided to go to gardner village for the day to have lunch and see the witches they have on display.  i have never been to gardner village before, so it was fun to walk around and go into all the shops.  i might just have to go back to buy a few things!  after we were done at gardner village, we stopped at this adorable little fruit stand, which also happened to be by an antique store called 'home again'. i bought a really old telephone (don't judge.) and a turquoise mason jar.  basically, it was the best fall autumn day ever and i wish it would last 3 months instead of 2 weeks.

also, remember how miles is scared of everything?  it's getting really old.  really fast.  because, i've been so excited for him to grow up and see new things and it's sort of a bummer when everything we take him to just makes him scared and mad.  so i'm crossing my fingers he outgrows this soon.  and in the meantime, i'm trying not to force him to do things he doesn't want to and hoping that he gets curious on his own.

pumpkinland

we made our 2nd annual trip to pumpkinland this week.  remember last year when miles was itty bitty and couldn't even walk yet? i can't believe how much he has changed in just a year.  we walked around and looked at all the pumpkins, then we went to the corn maze and walked through the play area.  all miles wanted to look at was the turkeys though.  he is going through this weird stage where he is seriously afraid of everything!! is this normal? you can see he is freaking out in a few of the pictures. but at least he liked the turkeys and the plants?!

its autumn time!

we are loving this fall weather! i seriously think the month of october is my favorite month.  i took miles for a little drive up the canyon to see the leaves, and thank goodness! because it snowed the next day.  yes, the first week of october came with snow.  he wasn't interested in the leaves, so he played in the mud while i snapped pictures. and he pretty much knows by now to ignore mom when she has her camera out. oh well.

and then i had to buy some apples. because they were in a brown paper bag. and i can't resist pretty apples in a brown paper bag. miles kind of likes them too...