dear porter,

(**i wrote this a year ago, but for some reason or another, i never posted it. today marks 2 years since my little brother left us, but the feelings are still the same.)

it was exactly one year ago,
today,
that we lost you.
that our lives changed forever.
that a giant, gaping hole opened up in our hearts.
and i find myself re-living every moment.
the phone call from mom.
crying so hard on the kitchen floor
that i couldn't breathe.
making phone calls to delta for the first flight out of boston.
standing in the longest line known to man at the airport
avoiding the awkward glances of people staring at me
because i just couldn't stop sobbing.
mom and dad's faces when they opened the front door
that confirmed the whole thing wasn't a crazy dream.
spending a week in a whirlwind,
planning a funeral and viewing,
going through your things.
saying goodbye.
although, i still don't think i've fully said it.
because i still can't believe you're gone.

it's hard not to get angry sometimes.
i hate that we've had to live a whole year without you.
i hate that miles doesn't know you.
that you missed his first steps.
that he will never have cousins from you.
i'm so sick of having giant meltdowns
every time something reminds me of you.
and i do,
i get angry.
and i know that would probably bother you,
but i can't help but feel like it just isn't right.
it's not right that we have to miss you this much.

i will be watching the sky tonight.
because i want to know
what your last sunset looked like.
and i will be visiting dry canyon
because i want to know
what your last breath smelled like.
what the air around you felt like.

love you.