i love you every day.

i saw this quote on pinterest and i thought, "what the! this is totally me!  dang that stupid picture in my head for ruining everything!"
because i have this idea of how things are supposed to be.

and when its not that way, i sort of let myself feel down.

i sometimes feel like i've wasted so much time feeling inadequate instead of actually living.

i'm constantly looking for something that will make me feel like life is going the way i thought it was supposed to.

after we didn't have a baby, we thought about building a house. we got really excited about it and then realized it wasn't the best choice for us.  we don't even know where we are going to be in 2 years after wade gets licensed and we don't want to get stuck with a house if we have to move somewhere for a job.  then i thought about going to school because i feel like my 90 credits are just a waste.  but to start a new major all over again would take me 2-3 years, and if i go to a private school and do it quicker, it would cost 25,000 dollars (what the!) plus, there's the fact that i hardly see my family as it is, how can i possibly have time to go to class, work, and be with miles during the day. it's impossible.  so i feel like we are stuck in this transition stage where all we can do is wait.  and in the meantime, i have GOT to find a way to stop wishing away my life and just enjoy it as it is.  because i can tell you one thing, i felt this exact same way when we were in boston, and now i miss it more than anything.  and another thing?  maybe the way things were "supposed to" happen, and didnt, are good things.  because i married the most perfect person for me.  someone who treats me so well and takes such good care of our family.  someone who took me across the country and gave me an experience i wouldn't trade for the world.  someone who gave me the sweetest and most precious little boy.  and we don't have a house.  and we aren't rich.  and we don't have nice cars.  but maybe someday right?  i'm just trying to force myself to realize that those things aren't important.  and that there are some things that i just have no control over.  and that's hard for a person who feels like they have to constantly have a plan.  but there are things i can control, and that's working on myself.  being a better person. having more patience with miles. getting more sleep. treating people kinder.  eating healthy.  exercising.  being optimistc. and that's got to make me feel better than owning a house or being rich any day. so my new year's resolution?  celebrate and appreciate the small progress i make despite my shortcomings. and when the day is over, instead of thinking about everything i should have done, i will remember the things i did do and give myself a round of applause, like miles does when he is proud of himself (only, i will do it in my head. because it's only cute when a 2 year old does it).