i love you every day.

its been a long time since i've written.  almost 2 months.  there has been a lot going on that i've wanted to share, but i just keep coming back to one thing that has completely taken over my thoughts and feelings.  i hesitate to share it because it is such a personal thing.  something people hardly ever talk about.  but it's been a part of my life and i need to write about it.

we have been trying to get pregnant for the last 8 months.  maybe that's not a very long time compared to others.  to me it, it feels like forever, especially considering how miles was such a surprise, we figured it would be a quick process.  almost every month, i buy pregnancy tests in the hopes that one of them will say positive.  finally, in october, i took a test late one night after work and it was positive.  i had a hard time believing it since i had seen so many negative tests the past few months.  we were cautious and didn't tell very many people.  only immediate family and a few close friends.  a few weeks after we found out, i started experiencing a lot of painful cramping.  something didn't feel right, so i called the doctor and went in for an ultrasound.  at this point, i should have been 10 weeks along.  when he did the ultrasound, the baby was only measuring 5 weeks and had no heartbeat.  the doctor told me the only thing i could do is wait a few more weeks and see if there was any progression.  i went back 2 and a half weeks later and the baby had only grown to 6 weeks.  this time there was a heartbeat but it was beating very, very slowly.  also, there was almost no fluid surrounding the baby.  the doctor didn't seem very hopeful, but he told me he had seen babies come back from this and that it was possible for the fluid to build up again.  at this point, once again, all i could do is wait.  i left the office feeling very uneasy.  in my heart, i knew that something was wrong.  that night, november 14th, i started bleeding very heavily and i knew it was over.  the doctor confirmed this at another ultrasound a week later.

i know this is very common.  a nurse told me this happens to every woman, at least once.  but that doesn't make it any easier.  it doesn't make it easier when all you want in this world is a baby.  it was so hard for me to see that little heartbeat, and then know the next day that it was gone.  if anything else though, this whole experience has made me so grateful for the little miracle that is miles.  it has made me a better mom because i want to make the most of all the little moments i have with him, in case this is the only time i will ever get to experience them again.  i took for granted all the appointments i went to and his heartbeat was there.  so many things have to go right to have a healthy and normal child, and i think we forget that because there are so many healthy children born every day.  it truly is a miracle to me.

this is the only picture i have of my baby.  the only time i ever got to see it's little heart beating.  and i feel so weirdly connected to it because it was the one moment where i saw it and knew it was there and alive.