dear porter,

hi little brother.
i'm finally home.
2 long years and i'm finally back.
i've waited a long time for this,
for the whole family to be together again.
i looked forward to the day for so long.
you were supposed to be here.
so now it's just bittersweet.
and the house can be full of people,
but it still feels empty.

miles is moving into your room.
we will probably put his clothes in your dresser.
but i feel weird about it.
i don't want to take your clothes out.
i don't want to rearrange your closet.
i don't want to move your things.
i want them to stay right where you left them.


we had family dinner last night.
the first time since you died that i think
we all finally sat down at the kitchen table together.
a kitchen table with 6 chairs.
one for each of us.
only the chair next to me was empty.
and after we all started eating,
mom looked up and looked at the chair next to me.
and we all had a quiet moment
and cried a little
and wondered if you were maybe there sitting next to me.

we found a video on the computer of you playing the bass.
as i was watching it, i got so upset.
you had such amazing talent.
you were really going somewhere with your music.
and it all just seems so...
wasted?
unfair?

mom was listening to it this morning and it was on sort of loud.
i could hear it from the other room
and for a split second, life felt normal again.
because i really believed it was you in the other room playing.
and i really believed that it was your bass rumbling through the walls.
but then the realization hits that it's not.
and its like losing you all over again.

we took miles up to see your headstone.
its the first time i've seen it since it was put in.
i let miles scoot all over it.
i know you wouldn't mind.
in fact, i think you would've liked to see him so happy
in such a sad place.

its been over 4 months
and we still miss you more everyday.
its hard to move on when
we can't stop thinking about you.

love you.