motherhood #7

by Miriam:

When I first got married I wanted to have several babies and be a stay at home mom. Easier said than done. After graduation I was not ambitious to make any career/education plans. I worked, but changed jobs often to follow my husband for an internship and first job (and I hate job searching). One of these months I was bound to get pregnant, so I postponed making any rational choices about a long-term career.

After a few years of working, I got tired of relinquishing control of my life to infertility. I started to see that I had value as an individual, and not just as a “potential mother”.  I decided to apply to professional school because it was something I wanted to do back before I got married.

I started to see I could be happy and fulfilled in my life sans baby. I still really wanted a child- that didn’t change. I think it was crucial for me to envision an alternative future in order for me to move forward and heal.

Because it can take a long time to even figure out what is keeping us infertile (and we still don’t have a concrete answer why), we continued with fertility treatments even as I applied to school. I got the green light to start my first round of IVF last September. I didn’t really expect it to work; I didn’t get my hopes up.

But we were one of the lucky ones. It worked. A month later I found out I got into my dream school.  I decided to accept admission, even though I finally got what I wanted- a ticket to being a stay at home mother and not “have” to worry about school or jobs ever again. I’m 7 months pregnant now.

I’m really glad that we had the time to just be newlyweds for a while. I’m glad that I finally figured out that I have value even if I didn’t EVER become a mom. At the same time I’m glad to see my value and potential as a future mom. 

Being a mom doesn’t stop me from fulfilling my dreams. 

And I feel so fortunate that I get to even have a child.